Sep 2014
It seemed to happen
suddenly.
But looking back I found it was
g r a d u a l.
It started with
A grandmother 8 and
A mother at 11 and
Then a nother at 14
But then there was
A noose at 17
And after that it seemed to come more often
Then there was
A gun and a school and
A bomb and a city
But there had been
Guns and
Schools and
Bombs and
Cities
Before but now there were
People and
Stories and
Impact and
Suddenly there were friends of friends and
Family of friends and
Suddenly the inevitable shadow at the back of my cognition
Was coming forward and
The light was just that much darker.
It had not been absent from my life
I had never met
My grandparents or
My aunt but
Now I noticed it.
Was it always there?
Silent in the corners
Happening without my knowledge
or care? And
Now it was making itself know? Or
Had it been much smaller before and
Now decided to grow and
Eat and
Consume and
Take and
Make holes
Because how could it have hidden from me before?
Because it was big I was so small?
It had always been
An idea
An abstraction
In books and
Stories and
Serial dramas and
Movies and
Films and
Digests and
Papers and
Drawings and
Paintings and
Photos and
Movies and
Sound waves and
Radio waves and
X-rays and
Brain waves and
I remember the day I realized from
Ink on paper in
Other shapes and
With wet eyes walked into my father’s office
With many I’s like
Don’t want it to happen to you and
Don’t want it to happen to mom and
Don’t want it to happen to sister and
Cat and
Fish and
Friend and
He said “it won’t”
But he knew and
I knew and
We knew but
What can you say?
So maybe now the abstraction
Became the concretion and
No more could I cry “not me”
Because I was all the other me’s “not me”s and
Now there it was but
There it wasn’t
Always at the corners but
Never right there and
Maybe it never would be there but
Maybe the corners would just get bigger and
The there get smaller until there was no
There
Just corners and
Just darkness.
And maybe that was when it happened.
suddenly.
But looking back I found it was
g r a d u a l.
It started with
A grandmother 8 and
A mother at 11 and
Then a nother at 14
But then there was
A noose at 17
And after that it seemed to come more often
Then there was
A gun and a school and
A bomb and a city
But there had been
Guns and
Schools and
Bombs and
Cities
Before but now there were
People and
Stories and
Impact and
Suddenly there were friends of friends and
Family of friends and
Suddenly the inevitable shadow at the back of my cognition
Was coming forward and
The light was just that much darker.
It had not been absent from my life
I had never met
My grandparents or
My aunt but
Now I noticed it.
Was it always there?
Silent in the corners
Happening without my knowledge
or care? And
Now it was making itself know? Or
Had it been much smaller before and
Now decided to grow and
Eat and
Consume and
Take and
Make holes
Because how could it have hidden from me before?
Because it was big I was so small?
It had always been
An idea
An abstraction
In books and
Stories and
Serial dramas and
Movies and
Films and
Digests and
Papers and
Drawings and
Paintings and
Photos and
Movies and
Sound waves and
Radio waves and
X-rays and
Brain waves and
I remember the day I realized from
Ink on paper in
Other shapes and
With wet eyes walked into my father’s office
With many I’s like
Don’t want it to happen to you and
Don’t want it to happen to mom and
Don’t want it to happen to sister and
Cat and
Fish and
Friend and
He said “it won’t”
But he knew and
I knew and
We knew but
What can you say?
So maybe now the abstraction
Became the concretion and
No more could I cry “not me”
Because I was all the other me’s “not me”s and
Now there it was but
There it wasn’t
Always at the corners but
Never right there and
Maybe it never would be there but
Maybe the corners would just get bigger and
The there get smaller until there was no
There
Just corners and
Just darkness.
And maybe that was when it happened.
