and if I told you
that I did not want to live anymore
automatically you would start talking
saying stupid things like
"it'll get better!"
"you have a future!!"
"maybe we should up your medication!!!"

but if I told you
that I did not want to live anymore
you would be all talk, no help
you would not wake me up at dawn
and take me to watch the sun rise
you would not let me throw red paint at a white wall
you would not bake me cookies with extra chocolate chips
you would not read me my favorite book
you would not write me a stupid poem
or crack a stupid knock knock joke
you would not cuddle with me under 3 blankets
or whisper to me at 3 am

only words
that had lost their meaning
once they were repeated
more than three times.