We are still
Young
We are so ******* young.
Life is racing by
And it feels like we must be finished
Growing up
But it’s not true.
We are so young.
I am unfinished.
Hindsight is 20/20
But darling
I spent so much time reading
The poetry of your skin
That I’m nearsighted now-
I see only you, larger than life
Because you’re so **** close
And
When I look forward I see only hazy shapes
And things to trip over.
You know me better than anyone
But
I wish I could tell you
That that’s not saying much.
I wish I could tell you that I’m sick
Wish I had blood to show you,
Or skin and bones proof,
Wish I had an X-ray or a doctor’s script
To prove to you that I have lost control
But
I’m sick in a way that you can’t see.
You only see the shadow of it
And I get to look at its face
Days in and out-
Its face is what I imagine they were afraid
To write in the bible
About the devil
And it’s lookin
Right at me
All the time
And when you touch me it sinks its teeth in
Because it wants my joy to be its venom
Instead.
I wish I could show you
That if my outside matched my inside
I’d be in the ICU
Full of little clear tubes
Breathing through a soft engine.
I wish I could tell you
It’s not your job to find a cure
For my mind
That
I just want your love
I just want you
Here.
I don’t wanna look at that face
Days in and out
Without your hand in mine
To steady me.
Your fingers feel like the moment right after your chair tips
And you thought you’d fall but you didn't.
They feel like
“Thank god.”
And I don’t know how to ask you
To be my chemo buddy
As I drip acid into my ink veins
And try to heal from a disease that will never **** me
But will always be about to.
It’s hard to heal
When your treatment is heavy volumes of war instead of peace
And I don’t know what I’m doing.
Please believe me that when I speak
Nothing is a lie
That I never know if my demons will pull my puppet strings
And make me a hypocrite
And then retreat like shadows to let me take the rap
Alone.
I wish I could show you
The IV that pumps insults into my blood
Things I’ve seen in people’s eyes
In yours
Things I’ve heard fall- surprise!- from my lips
Like poison dripping from fangs I didn’t know I had.
I wonder
If a snake bites itself
Does it die of its own venom?
It sort of feels
Like that.
Please believe me
That I don’t want to spill my secrets to you
Like someone sliced my stomach open
And let me bleed them out everywhere
Please believe
That I am sick
And I am not faking
And I am not trying
To hurt you
Or lie to you
I am only trying
To be.
I’m just trying to be
And it’s a hell of a lot harder
Than it looks.