Can you give someone your whole body but still be afraid for them to touch you? If loving someone through thick and thin was true then why is that such a big deal? I'm sick and your helping. Your sick and I'm helping. I remember when the sun wasn't so bright when I looked at it. I haven't wrote in a while. Does that mean I'm happy? I only write when I'm unhappy. I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm not happy. What is happiness? Is happiness being with you? Is happiness when I see something or hear something I love? Is happiness just waking up in the morning alive and well? I think happiness is kinda crap. But I would say I'm content. I'm different then 2 years ago and I know that. I'm not better. Not worst. But different. Being happy is what I believe only children can be. Nobody's really happy. But content. Content with life. I'm not so scared anymore about being alone. It's not a fear I have anymore. Was it ever? I never was really alone other then lonely. But aren't we all lonely? Maybe. I don't mind being alone but Id rather be with you. Being with you is better then a lot of things. I don't think I ever wanted to touch someone as much as I love touching you. It's been 4 months since I've touch a blade and your really the only thing to thank for that. I think that's weird that your the only reason I won't touch one. Sure I would love to and honestly some nights I feel like I could and don't know why. Maybe I miss it. But I won't cause you would hate me. And I love you far to much. That's the past and I'm trying to keep it there. I'm trying to keep a lot of things in the past. The past is such a tricky thing. It can creep up on you and make you think of the stupidest smallest things. But they can hurt like hell. I try not to miss things from my past cause I can't go Back. So what's the point of missing things you can't have? And maybe I don't want them back cause they made me the person I am today and I don't like myself. I wish I was different though. Happier, pretty all that good stuff every 19 year old girl wants. I kinda hate getting told I'm pretty. And I kinda hate the fact that I still feel the need to be sad. I guess you can't change everything about yourself. I haven't cried in such a long time. I think it's okay to cry once and a while. Crying always helped. But I can't seem to cry and I'm okay with that. Crying is a sign that your body tried and can't be as strong as it think it is. And that's okay. You can't be strong everyday. Breaking down and crying is fine. I haven't been awake this late in such a long time. It's cause I have you holding me every night now. I really don't think a lot anymore at night and I'm okay with that. Night thoughts are the worst. Your far away from me tonight. But your right next to me. I can see the moon from my window and I love that. But lately I'd rather look at you.