The Christmas Mouse

T'was the night before Christmas

And with everything done

The kids were all dreaming

Of Christmas Day fun

The tree was completed

We had wrapped all the toys

When from the basement below

We heard a faint noise

I sprung from the couch

Took off down the stairs

On my way through the kitchen

I tripped on two chairs

I slid down the staircase

To the base of my house

And there with my shortbreads

Was a ****** great mouse

My wife followed close

And then she let out a shriek

She saw me and the mouse

And she started to freak

He nibbled the cookie

and he ran past my nose

right down my torso

Then he stopped at my toes

My wife was still screaming

The mouse didn't care

He continued his running

On under the stairs

I crawled to my workshop

Grabbed the first thing I found

A mallet for pounding

That mouse in the ground

I limped to the staircase

And I swung at the wall

I again lost my balance

And again, I did fall

I put two holes in the riser

Two more in the tread

I was gonna keep swinging

Till that mouse was dead

I broke the one lightbulb

That lit up the room

Now I was worried

I couldn't see...found the broom

I stepped on one end

Squared my self in the sack

I then heard a noise

The mouse had come back

I heard his slight skitter

As he went past my feet

He was off to the larder

For more stuff to eat

I went back to the workshop

Tripping at least three more times

I would finish this mouse

He would pay for his crimes

I grabbed for a lighter

And my large propane torch

I would hunt down this mouse

And his **** I would scorch

I lit up the propane

And I aimed at the stairs

It caught light on the carpet

And I burnt both those chairs

The flames went on upward

The stairs were quite dry

I laughed in hysterics

That **** mouse would fry

My wife had recovered

And decided to run

but, after seeing the flames

She phoned up 9 1 1

The mouse left the building

In fact, he never was found

The house burned in seconds

It collapsed to the ground

And through the whole scene

I just stood there and laughed

At the wreckage before me

And I thought, **** I'm daft

I had ruined our Christmas

And I burned down our house

Over a **** shortbread cookie

And one little mouse

The kids, they got out

And were wrapped up and warm

While I was creating

My own perfect storm

The gifts were all ruined

The house ...all consumed

And over my head

One large question loomed

If I had gone for the shotgun

And shot at the mouse

Would I be still having Christmas

And would I still have a house

My wife came on over

And she gave me a swat

She said "look what you've done"

"you great stupid ****

I learned a great lesson

and folks ...it is that

Once I rebuild

I will then buy a cat!!!

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