[CW - sh]

The first time,

Just needed them to notice

That I wasn’t fine

I was feeling hopeless

Didn’t really know what I was doing,

But I did it





Back then, I was fine with breathing

There was nothing wrong, wrong with eating

I didn’t really care for feeling,

But I was fine with the fact  

That my heart kept beating





The next time, the thoughts.

Too loud, drown them out

With the pain, with the hurt

A new cut, an alert

That once again, I needed help.





That time, still fine with breathing

However, had some struggles with eating

Wished I could just ignore my feelings

But I still found nothing wrong with

My heart still beat- beating



The third time, the worst time,

Chain reactions to and from

Watch as a big problem becomes

So. Much. Worse.





By then, I was aware of breathing

Had too many problems with eating

I hated all the things I was feeling

And I always had the knowledge

That my heart kept beating





The fourth time

Scar still lingers,

More annoying than stressful

First relapse in five months  





Five, six and seven,

Not a big deal, not deep

Faded away through sleep

But I was struggling.

There’s worse to come.









Then eight, nine, ten.

Worst times of my life

Friendships falling apart.

Thoughts ripping me apart

I was dying inside.

I almost died.





And at that point?

Oh, I wished my lungs would stop breathing

And wow, I was barely eating

Wished I could stop feeling

And almost stopped my heart from beating.





I’m doing better now, it’s true

Still fall sometimes, but still

I get back up, I keep going

Never alone anymore, maybe I never was

For for the first time, in a long time,

I’m glad my heart is beating.