I had cookies after lunch I had it, to tell myself I could do it I could eat cookies and not think about the numbers I could eat cookies and not stare into the toilet bowl I couldn’t do it I looked into the toilet bowl Reached into my mouth And pulled it out With slow and painful shoves Though slow, The way it happens Is expedited But it’s not enough It’s never enough The inside of the toilet bowl is stained with regret The inside of my guts are still full of regret But I cant get it out It stays I couldn’t do it I don’t know when my food Started tasting like regret And looking like numbers I miss how it made me feel When my parents got me a donut The smell of the warm bread The feel of the chocolate between my fingers I could eat 2 at once And not give it a second thought All 2 donuts are now Is 500 500 too many 500 more of regret I don’t want to think about the numbers On the scale Of my food The number of scars I’ve painted on my thigh I’ve never preferred math