all the flags
waving in front
of me are red
and the thoughts
of dread
and feelings of
excitement
are fighting
violently
in my head

there’s something
about having to hide
that makes me
feel dead
inside
but at the same time
i hate seeing myself
and all my ugliness
in the light
maybe this is wrong
maybe it’s the only thing
that’s right
in my life

i don’t know
anymore
i can barely
even
sleep at night

i know i’m a **** up
and even when i
really
really
try
the efforts are
pointless
i end up
stuck
again
and
again
with no end in sight
never even
dreaming or hoping
that i’ll end up
on top
or even in the middle
i’ll keep bringing
myself back down
to the bottom
until
the hole is deeper
than the darkest
part of the ocean