cedendo vinces

I stood over the sink Scrubbing our negroni glasses Wishing the ginger-scented soap Would wash away the cancer Because the chemo didn’t work I was wearing eyeliner When I first met you We’d laugh about that later Over a bottle of wine And patatas bravas We always had our weekends Movie dates and inside jokes We would guffaw at the Fuckery of it all My god your laugh How it filled a room I remember when you said “I love you, Christopher… because you just GET ME” You expressed appreciation For how I carved out time For our friendship I reminded you, “I don’t carve out time for you, I shove everything away while screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’” Goddamnit. I need my Heidi time For years you were The most consistent thing in my life Always there for one another We were each other’s touchstones I realize this now more than ever During my weekends spent alone Wine tastes different now Something’s missing Going to the movies feels strange It’s like the hero has Left the frame Remember when I smoked cigarettes? You’d bum a drag as we crept Through early evening traffic On our way to get gelato Or if we were feeling sassy Maybe an affogato I switched to vaping When you went into hospice Then back to menthols When your spirit left this world I’m addicted to our memories More than the nicotine They bang around my head Like a song or a scent Nostalgic And Lingering You tattooed “CEDENDO VINCES” On your wrists “By yielding, you will win” My finger traced those words While I held your hand Last breaths But what are deaths? Transitions Energy Shifting A spark Returning / / / Those letters live On my wrists now A reminder of her The sister I never had And sometimes I still hear her laugh

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sofolo

M / nashville, tn

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