do you exist?

in this realm,
in this time,
in this small blip of moments,

and if so,
how do i capture you?
hold you in my hands.
in my heart.
how do i seek you out?

when you’re nothing of our kind.
neither here nor there.
you’re simply smoke and mirrors.
nowhere, yet everywhere.

you’ve got no flesh and bones,
simply god made and grown.
you’ve got no fear, just quest,
a longing to roam.

are you even real?

or just an ache that I conceal?

if you are just fiction,
how do I conjure you
and keep you with conviction?

you’d be locked into my mind.
giving me endless daydreams,
yet consuming all my time.

then maybe i’d be lost
in your never ending shimmer.

my life and light would fade
in comparison
to a low flicker dimmer.

i would waste my decades decaying.
simple, stupid, and waiting.

i would turn down every suitor.
yet I would be an angry, seething,
lovelorn refuter

and if i can’t have you,
or sift my hands to grasp,
what will be the purpose?
and what heart of mine will last?