would it surprise you to know people have told me they've never seen me without a smile? did you know i have one dimple? everyone gets to see it, plain as day on my right cheek. and when i find myself alone, when i say goodbye, see you tomorrow, see you friday or monday or whenever, and i am alone, it disappears. i guess happiness looks particularly good on me. i have always been conscious of my appearance after all-- i'm not me unless i've got my dimple on my right cheek! ahaha. no, the truth is, nine years ago in a solemn little office for children that don't know how to be children my mother was told i have depression. nine years of this. i have memories that put that dimple away. at what age should you learn how to take a pill? i had to learn it so i could be happy. at what age should you learn not to take pills? at sixteen i wondered how many i needed to undo the life i've lived. how much food is enough food? i measure how well i'm doing by how awful eating food makes me feel. what should i blame myself for? do my friends really like me? am i pretty enough for people to love me? and why don't people stay? why don't people communicate? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? i'm looking for love in the wrong places. when i look in the mirror, what do i even see? let me put on some eyeliner... ...that's a little better.
originally written 11/12/2019. i've been reading over past poetry. i haven't written in so long. i really, really miss it. but i'm not sure how to get back into it. maybe i should start with more stream of consciousness stuff.