I've stopped trying
Not in the way that causes you
to fear that I won't be here in the morning
Rather in the sense that I no longer
constantly strain myself to be someone else
I'd cry myself into naps that brought nightmares
My mind would fade into a fog
I couldn't find my way out of
Staring at a tree that slanted in the field
that became the neighbors new home
Silent screams stayed loud in my head
Bringing migraines I couldn't calm
It wasn't until last month that I realized all the pain
that's followed me, every year, since I left
has been carried along by myself, without wanting
Trying to keep alive the persona
of the perfect daughter
The precious mind of a broken survivor
Trying to make believe that the girl
I introduced you to was real
Trying to manifest my mental illness to no longer exist
Bringing to life a pain worse
than the physical bruises I hid so well
Tried and failed
What's left is who was trying to not drown
Who hid away in fear of rejection
In fear of being smothered in hate again
Rising to the surface
This is my real reflection
I'm telling you now
Stopped trying
Just be