When fear comes in like a thief in the night, When it grips your throat and lifts you up out of bed, When your wandering eyes glimpse what your heart has been desiring for months, When you give in to the temptation instead of looking to the breaker of chains, This is when your faith is tested, this is when you see how weak you really are.
I sat and I listened. I sat and I read. I sat and I determined that I don't like being alone with my thoughts. I sat and I realized I am scared of my own inner voice.
It caused me to remember past mistakes I wish were not in my head. It caused me to miss someone even more than I already do. It made me realize I am not dependent on my maker enough. But at the same time what is enough?
Can you love enough? Can you pray enough? Can you read enough? Are we ever enough?
In this world we are going to make mistakes. We are going to hide from the ones we love. We are going to be present and listen to them. In this world, it is a dichotomy of light and dark.
When the fear comes and when it takes hold, what do I do? Do I sway to the left or do I sway to the right? Which side is the correct path? Is either way correct? Do I just need to sit, listen, and pray?
When I enter into the presence, I hope it is enough. For when I pray those uneven, and negative thoughts creep in. I get too scared to pray, I get too scared of change. I am scared of these thoughts, I am scared that they will never go away.
It's *****, It's messy, It's a time where sin takes your faith hostage, But at the same time, it strengthens your faith and requires you to quiet your soul.
Uneven, broken, failures, and grief. Hope, joy, and relief. A mix of who I am who I want to be. A love that passes all understanding, One that can cure the wound that doesn't seem to ever get clean.