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Jul 2020
I moved a year ago today.
I moved because I had a girl who I kissed and hugged after a nap.
It was beautiful and I was warm.
I moved a year ago today to marry that girl.
But here I am wondering why God made it work out this way?

Am I vindicated in my loneliness?
Is the hurt that laces my veins worth it?
Is it time to forge forward and dictate all of this to prior events and let it all pass?
Because I know that it will happen one day, but right now my Heaven is my past.

The warmth slowly dissipated and the negatives became the norm.
I made mistakes that I knew I was making while they left my mouth.
I took on stances just to be right.
And my vices intensified despite my soul getting closer to the light.

I have moved closer to Hell while seeing more of Heavens' eyes.
I miss the warmth and the skin that I used to snuggle up next to mine.
My eyes see this as my personal anti absolution.
Or as I like to call it my personal Hell.

I moved a year ago today.
I moved because I felt God pulling me this way.
But now I don't know if it was Him or my own personal will?
For she is gone and Heaven has been tainted.

I wanted to be one so bad that it clouded my Heaven and diverted it to this Hell.
Did I lose my will to be me because I desired something that is always going to be beyond my influence?
For it is not my will that takes precedent, but God's.
So here I am wondering if God will make it work out today?

I was a man who clung to that which he loved.
To a family that he loved, the one that he wished he was still apart of.
Now I am clinging onto hope, to God.
To insecurities, to pain, to guilt.
I was a man who only had memories connected to the family that almost was.
Now I am trying to forge my own memories that are connected to me.

I wish naps ended with the waking to my one.
I hope God sees it in him to let this happen again.
I'm sick of searching.
I'm sick of being vulnerable to those who won't last.

I want to be one, with the correct one.
I want to be vulnerable again.
But I want it to be the last time.
God, what is the desire of my heart?
God let it be this.

I moved one year ago today.
Maybe a year from now I will wake up from a nap and see my one in my arms as I lay.
It's been a year since this new journey began. What is your will God?
Written by
Matthew Sabella
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