Nov 2019
I’m losing it all. Slowly it’s fading, slipping. I left what I loved. I left where I was satisfied, content, and in pure bliss. Everyday felt like a dream despite the challenges I faced. I left it all in pursuit of higher goals and higher dreams. I expected the transition to be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. I was doing fine until I saw that picture of you all the party and it all hit me like a brick wall. It swallowed me like a tidal wave on that beach we talked about surfing. It suffocated me until I was dizzy. I had left, It’s not yet time for me to depart to my destination, I haven’t gotten where I’m going yet. You stayed where I once was, and life moved on.
It’s like I’ve been forgotten, erased from your brain like a statistic on a low quality whiteboard at a company meeting where after it’s wiped away you can still see the outline of what was once there. I was once there. I threw my soul into what we had, and for a while you did too. It seems like when it was no longer convenient, you didn’t care enough to try anymore. I spent hours coming up with creative ways to show you how much I care, putting together gifts, planning activities. Yet you wouldn’t take 10 seconds out of your day to send me one text to ask how I’m doing.
You told me I was everything you ever wanted. You told me you would make distance work. You told me you would make time. Instead, you made excuses. I’d ask you how your day was and you’d respond in one word. Good. Good, I’m glad you’re good. You know what’s not good, me. I’m not good with you trying to get away with treating me less than good, Good is objective, you are not good at making me feel good, in fact, I feel neglected and ungood. You don’t care that I’m not good? Good.
4 months ago you asked for the title of “Boyfriend”, so I gave it to you and you wore it like a badge of honor as if to say “Hey world, that’s my girl, she’s mine and I’m hers, look at how wonderful life is.” You still have that title of boyfriend, but now you wear it more like a cheap, red sticker name tag that reads in the most monotone way, “Hello my name is boyfriend” in sloppy lowercase letters and a BBQ stain smeared in the corner
I’m getting closer to where I’m going. You’re staying there. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the time we spent together, There’d be nights where you’d pull me close and talk about all the wonderful things we had in store for us, and our life together. We realized the reality of our situation was that we’d be separated for some time, so you’d bury your face in my hair and whisper, “Right here, right now.” “One step at a time.” I’d reply. But those steps are quitting their pace, they’re moving away from you. If you want them to stay then boy, you’d better tie those running shoes and get moving, because once their gone, they’re not coming back. I’ll be the one that got away. You know that, your family knows that, why aren’t you doing anything about it?
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I’ve believed that since I was young. Little things in my every day remind me of you and the good times we had, but instead of the joy and contentment, I once felt, it burns me like a hot stove burns a child’s hand to know that since those good days, you’ve decided I was too much work. You live in the moment which is one of my favorite things about you. You have a one track mind, that’s something I don’t like about you. Your focus is always on what’s right in front of you, If I’m not there, your thoughts don't drift my way, but if I’m there, your thoughts don’t ever drift away. School. That’s your focus, your excuse, your life. School, homework, bro time, Smash. Now that I’ve said it outloud do you realize how pathetic that is? With most guys in this situation, their friends would say, “Bro, you need a girl,” But, surprise! You have one, you just don’t care about her enough to say anything.
It’s clear we’re both learning, but our progress needs to be made in different ways. You need to get a freaking clue, and I need to get out of here. Both things allow us to grow in ways that maybe, just maybe might make it possible for us to work out when I get back. Until then, you need to open your eyes, decide if you’re going to fulfill the role as boyfriend that you begged so hard for, or not. Because if you won’t, someone else will, and to that someone I’ll be worth not only a 10-second text but their whole world. I won’t have to spend day after day wondering If I still matter to them because they won’t ever let me forget it. I won’t have to beg them to ask me how my day was because they’ll have already asked.
There’s a difference between loving someone, and caring about them. Right now I know you love me, but I’m not sure if you care. My life is moving forward, I’m moving up. I’m on a rocket accelerating so quickly if you blink you’ll miss it. If you want to be on board you’re going to have to fight for your position. This is not a given, It’s a privilege. You want it? Prove it? Not worth it? I’m gone
It’s like I’ve been forgotten, erased from your brain like a statistic on a low quality whiteboard at a company meeting where after it’s wiped away you can still see the outline of what was once there. I was once there. I threw my soul into what we had, and for a while you did too. It seems like when it was no longer convenient, you didn’t care enough to try anymore. I spent hours coming up with creative ways to show you how much I care, putting together gifts, planning activities. Yet you wouldn’t take 10 seconds out of your day to send me one text to ask how I’m doing.
You told me I was everything you ever wanted. You told me you would make distance work. You told me you would make time. Instead, you made excuses. I’d ask you how your day was and you’d respond in one word. Good. Good, I’m glad you’re good. You know what’s not good, me. I’m not good with you trying to get away with treating me less than good, Good is objective, you are not good at making me feel good, in fact, I feel neglected and ungood. You don’t care that I’m not good? Good.
4 months ago you asked for the title of “Boyfriend”, so I gave it to you and you wore it like a badge of honor as if to say “Hey world, that’s my girl, she’s mine and I’m hers, look at how wonderful life is.” You still have that title of boyfriend, but now you wear it more like a cheap, red sticker name tag that reads in the most monotone way, “Hello my name is boyfriend” in sloppy lowercase letters and a BBQ stain smeared in the corner
I’m getting closer to where I’m going. You’re staying there. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the time we spent together, There’d be nights where you’d pull me close and talk about all the wonderful things we had in store for us, and our life together. We realized the reality of our situation was that we’d be separated for some time, so you’d bury your face in my hair and whisper, “Right here, right now.” “One step at a time.” I’d reply. But those steps are quitting their pace, they’re moving away from you. If you want them to stay then boy, you’d better tie those running shoes and get moving, because once their gone, they’re not coming back. I’ll be the one that got away. You know that, your family knows that, why aren’t you doing anything about it?
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I’ve believed that since I was young. Little things in my every day remind me of you and the good times we had, but instead of the joy and contentment, I once felt, it burns me like a hot stove burns a child’s hand to know that since those good days, you’ve decided I was too much work. You live in the moment which is one of my favorite things about you. You have a one track mind, that’s something I don’t like about you. Your focus is always on what’s right in front of you, If I’m not there, your thoughts don't drift my way, but if I’m there, your thoughts don’t ever drift away. School. That’s your focus, your excuse, your life. School, homework, bro time, Smash. Now that I’ve said it outloud do you realize how pathetic that is? With most guys in this situation, their friends would say, “Bro, you need a girl,” But, surprise! You have one, you just don’t care about her enough to say anything.
It’s clear we’re both learning, but our progress needs to be made in different ways. You need to get a freaking clue, and I need to get out of here. Both things allow us to grow in ways that maybe, just maybe might make it possible for us to work out when I get back. Until then, you need to open your eyes, decide if you’re going to fulfill the role as boyfriend that you begged so hard for, or not. Because if you won’t, someone else will, and to that someone I’ll be worth not only a 10-second text but their whole world. I won’t have to spend day after day wondering If I still matter to them because they won’t ever let me forget it. I won’t have to beg them to ask me how my day was because they’ll have already asked.
There’s a difference between loving someone, and caring about them. Right now I know you love me, but I’m not sure if you care. My life is moving forward, I’m moving up. I’m on a rocket accelerating so quickly if you blink you’ll miss it. If you want to be on board you’re going to have to fight for your position. This is not a given, It’s a privilege. You want it? Prove it? Not worth it? I’m gone
