Closed blinds
And morning breeze
I don’t want to leave here.
The sun beckons me to rise
Demanding an awakening
But I am not there yet,
Heart still heavy
From carrying grief
Eyes still burning
From drowning in acidic tears
Lungs still weak from suffocating between each breath
Throat still coarse from the cry of
“Abba please, take my life.”
If I rise,
I am sure to face it again.
And it will have its way
With my body,
Screaming and crying a horrific noise,
Falling to the floor as everything inside of me seems to shatter,
Like broken glass being crushed
all over again.
And I will wait there
Curled on the floor
Until it is done leaving its mark.
Then I will stand up
To finish the routine
Wash my face
Put on a smile
And move on with the day.
Heaviness used to find me at night
But now I arise and find
It is in my bones
And under my skin
With me every place I go.
So I would rather lay here
Silent and broken,
Defeated and unarmed
Surrendered to these bed sheets
And white walls
Than to face the fight
Against the darkness
That kills me piece by piece.
For there may come a day
When there is nothing left it can take,
And it will have all of me.
So there will be no fight today
As if being paralyzed was a choice
Under the weight of a pain
So heavy.
So I let it stay
And roll to the other side,
Away from the light
Pull the covers a little closer
Take another deep breath
Close my eyes
And wait for tomorrow.