The clouds around me gather
as I collect my thoughts about what I think is real or not.
The fear takes over in the blue sky of my mind
and my heart sinks deeply into the abyss of my chest
and I wonder how many lives have you had before we met
and how many lives will you have after me.
The ocean of my heart is deep and waning
and I have no way to navigate it without
the ideas of what I think I know already
and it is of no help because
without the smell of you I have no way to remember
if you were real.
Sometimes I sit here confused
and strained
and all I want is to have a cigarette like someone who has a real thought would need to compose their real thoughts
and look smart about it but but but but..
disappointment surges in again
and again like a cruel joke
and it makes me wonder if the decisions I make about my life
and the choices I choose are really the ones that I need
when clearly they aren’t.
You were a choice as well.
Every conversation was a choice
and you also were a casualty.
We were a casualty
and I let us die
foolishly.