(written 12.3.18)

teeth bite sour tonic; smells like an ick in the brain
but every time the remedy’s killing, filling, thrilling
the same way the void does
i lick up my pain
we aren’t on the same plane
topography’s telling me you’re on a high in the sky
Icarus but you’re so afraid of the heights, the high
so you remain where you’ve lain
and if we do meet again you’ll understand
my roar, the demon rears its ugly head
snarling monsters need to be fed—
isn't that what you said?
pick up my tears, your fears, peer at it
look through the ribs, between the trees where it clears
porcupine needles poke through the glass
fast, fasting vastly
the lion, the witch, and the rat
. . . the plague . . .
shove those four words in my ears
. . . feed . . .
tell me i have an addiction, i know you think i need a prescription
but addicts have cunning actions
counting in fractions
my calculator consciousness, non-malfunctionable
demons fixed my wiring
salivating at the foul mouth,
i smell it but do not dare taste the plate
. . . neurons are firing . . .
you don’t know about all the horrors i face, caged, trapped in a place
where eyes are yellow and dim, bags purple and grim
snakes out on the limb
i’ll pluck the feathers out of your wings
you won’t need to climb to fall because the sun won’t do damage,
not when i know these things
you are weak, incapable, fell of a cliff
the wind, yes i know it is stiff
but you’ll find its so hard to resist
i’ll disassemble it all, but will it be enough for the monsters?
no, they want more than that
tell me i need to stop
tongue tastes like paper, touching the list
its dictating, telling the good from the bad
but sour lips will never be kissed
all alone in the garden, your body begins to turn rotten
i get to spend more time with the monsters that raised me
they praised me, they gave me
a savior
taught me to rid myself of you
crazed episodes become more intense
. . . repentance . . .
but i am alone in the garden now
demon on my shoulder, it pardons me as i fall to my knees
peer through the ribs, the void
and i say that i am happier
in the garden
among the demons and the dark fruit trees.