i’m trying hard
to keep it together
desperation is my middle name
restless nights
and hopeless days
i can’t do enough
can’t be enough
to keep up this juggling act
everything is falling apart so spectacularly
a fire of blues and reds and purples
one that only i can see

so i play a little game with myself
let’s see how well i can pretend everything is okay
i’ve gotten good at it recently
as my plans for my future start to crumble in my palms
i can still feign interest over a friend’s passing fling
i’ve even been able to pretend
my self esteem is going up
accepting compliments
even convincing myself i’m not a failure
it’s laughable, really
a ******* like me,
who can’t even keep
her life from falling apart,
finally loving herself?
not gonna happen

so i laugh
and sit
and watch
as everything falls apart