I can’t honestly recall how many bereavement steps there are -
five – or is it seven?
death of a pet, loss of a family member, expiry of a relationship
endings as endings pass

Denial, anger, fear, forgiveness, anger, addictions, anger
that makes it seven.

This whole “lets be friends” thing.  
It’s over.  You’ve called us off.
You wouldn’t be friends with your late husband,
can’t cuddle your deceased dog (such a good boy)
what on earth would make anyone – let alone you
- a bright, animated, artistic, energetic woman -
what on earth would possess you to think the death
of our intimacy could manifest itself into to “friends”?

We are not a television show.  No “happily ever after” – after all.

I’m “friends” with my baseball team, theatre buddies
high school colleagues, university alma-matter.

Perhaps because I’ve not lain naked with them
talked of promise of future, crossed lines through intra and inter
personal relationships.
Most often these “friends” are wiling to stick with me when I drop the ball,
or don’t call, forget their phone numbers or
when I ask for them to simply listen.

The denial, I will live with forever if need be
pursuit of your company is well worth the efforts,
the disappointment is a given
If you felt the same, I wish you’d say so
forgiveness is one of the five-or-seven steps


Yet even with my addictions under control, somehow
somehow, I can’t seem to refute or deny the passion
Anger of self, anger of me
anger at what we could have become
if you’d only seen fit to accept the sincerity of my feelings
– not anger at you, or because of you
anger for angers sake
just for the sake of it sometimes.
Anger at loss and disappointment.

To feel
to feel something
anything to help myself feel that I matter at all
to anyone any more
I don’t feel that right now.
It’s been quite some time since I felt that.

It’s the passion I will miss the most.  
The comfort, the ease of expression,
appreciation of the moon, anticipation of calm days,
to walk and hold hands, to swim

Not feel that disappointment and
not feel alone
again
and try not to feel so heartbroken that it makes me cry
all at once.

While the disappointment,
the anger,
fear and heartache take hold
they supersede everything my “friendship” could offer.