Aug 2018
Dear Chloe,
I don't know if I ever felt truly loved before you.
Every love I've ever has felt like a performance, hiding the parts of myself that felt undesirable so others could love me.
Who knew a sweet little rat would be the one to really see me.
You came from ruin like me. our lives were cowering from the predators all around us, it was looking over your shoulder and making yourself as small as possible for fear of being the next victim.
So when you first crawled into my sweater and fell asleep to the sound of my heart beating I knew I would never let you go. That I had to keep living so the metronome of my heart could always be your lullaby.
You will never know how you saved me.
Sometimes I wonder what you must think of me. We will always have a language divide, what do you think of my tears? The big wet drops that fall from my eyes and onto your head as my body trembles and I hold you so tight.
Do you get scared for me when I hiccup like I do you?
When I feel you for bumps and lumps do you know I do it out of love?
You have grown so much, you have gone from a shy child hiding behind her mother to loud and proud. You're not afraid to yell or fight even with those closest to you, asking for love has always been easy. There's so much I have learned from you .
You make me whole. You make my days so much brighter. So when I found the blood the month of your first birthday everything went dark. The shadows you had evaporated in the back of my brain crept through my body and froze my soul.
I rushed you to the vet to be poked and prodded. For two weeks after I spoiled you and gave you medicine, I swear you thought it was poison until surgery.
I remember waiting for the call, my leg bouncing for six hours while I stared at my screen like some twisted Schrodinger's box where you were both alive and dead on the operating table.
I finally let myself cry for the first time in weeks when I was told I could take you home.
That night I had a nightmare your incision opened up and guts came tumbling out into my hand. So when I woke and saw you chewed it part way open I ran you back to the vet. They put you back together and I dedicated all my time to you. I slept every night for a week with my hands in your cage holding you. And the other two with you asleep on my pillow.
I know you'll never understand this letter I hope that you know just how much I love you. I don't know how I'll ever cope with the shortness of your life but I will make sure everyday you feel loved. Though your light burns bright as fast I will never forget the love you have showed me.
I don't know if I ever felt truly loved before you.
Every love I've ever has felt like a performance, hiding the parts of myself that felt undesirable so others could love me.
Who knew a sweet little rat would be the one to really see me.
You came from ruin like me. our lives were cowering from the predators all around us, it was looking over your shoulder and making yourself as small as possible for fear of being the next victim.
So when you first crawled into my sweater and fell asleep to the sound of my heart beating I knew I would never let you go. That I had to keep living so the metronome of my heart could always be your lullaby.
You will never know how you saved me.
Sometimes I wonder what you must think of me. We will always have a language divide, what do you think of my tears? The big wet drops that fall from my eyes and onto your head as my body trembles and I hold you so tight.
Do you get scared for me when I hiccup like I do you?
When I feel you for bumps and lumps do you know I do it out of love?
You have grown so much, you have gone from a shy child hiding behind her mother to loud and proud. You're not afraid to yell or fight even with those closest to you, asking for love has always been easy. There's so much I have learned from you .
You make me whole. You make my days so much brighter. So when I found the blood the month of your first birthday everything went dark. The shadows you had evaporated in the back of my brain crept through my body and froze my soul.
I rushed you to the vet to be poked and prodded. For two weeks after I spoiled you and gave you medicine, I swear you thought it was poison until surgery.
I remember waiting for the call, my leg bouncing for six hours while I stared at my screen like some twisted Schrodinger's box where you were both alive and dead on the operating table.
I finally let myself cry for the first time in weeks when I was told I could take you home.
That night I had a nightmare your incision opened up and guts came tumbling out into my hand. So when I woke and saw you chewed it part way open I ran you back to the vet. They put you back together and I dedicated all my time to you. I slept every night for a week with my hands in your cage holding you. And the other two with you asleep on my pillow.
I know you'll never understand this letter I hope that you know just how much I love you. I don't know how I'll ever cope with the shortness of your life but I will make sure everyday you feel loved. Though your light burns bright as fast I will never forget the love you have showed me.
