I haven't been so sad recently, which is rare. I had the bad five months last year- to the point I nearly killed myself. And now I'm okay, but then it makes me think; I'm not acting how I should act. I don't feel like me anymore. I'm bored, I don't cry so often, I feel like I'm wearing new shoes that are slightly too small, to the point they rub but don't leave a mark. I think it's because I got so used to being let down, that my body automatically drops me a few stories every couple of weeks. My eighteenth birthday was bad. I think I just gave up on birthdays and to think they used to be my favourite. Now, I spend my time doing what is asked of me; go to classes, smile, do work, go home, do homework, sleep and not dream. It feels weird. I don't feel like me; I want to feel like I'm dying again, like the world itself is crumbling beneath my feet, that, if I smile or move a muscle, my whole being would explode; shattering thousands with reminders that I was here, because now I feel empty. I'd rather feel like death personified than nothing at all.
My depression has been gone for months now- with one or two bad nights, but nothing major. I feel unreal. I don’t feel like me anymore. I can’t describe the awful feeling I get when I realise I don’t feel anything other than memories. Being alone has brought a new fear; boredom- not suicide.