Fading in and out of consciousness
I get stuck in THE dream
the one that is more real than my waking thoughts
I am paralyzed by the weight of my own mind
feeling the wind
watching the blur of the forest beside us
I am hopeless as the car drives up that familiar path
Curving around the fear that lives deep inside me
Faster and faster we head toward my demise

You see
it doesn't matter how many times I dream it
or who is in the drivers seat this time
it matters that I am still the scared little girl in the passenger seat
Sadly looking over at you
begging with my eyes to not drive me off that cliff again
I sit there
helpless
just as I am in my conscious state
unable to open my mouth and affect the outcome of my own fate
and then it happens
we break through the guardrails
and once again I am weightless
my stomach in my throat
like a foreign object too big for me to swallow
and I can't take my eyes off you
as I fall
even though you just killed us both
finally
the seconds that felt like a lifetime end
and I open my eyes

I didn't think you'd ever be the one driving the car
but I suppose every end has its beginning
It's been months since I've had this dream
that I've had so many times before
why tonight
why now in my mind
am I continuing to loose control
is reality beginning to slip through my fingers once again
maybe it was the talk about your driving
maybe it was the thoughts of returning to Pennsylvania
maybe
just maybe
it was hearing your voice again
that voice I long for every second
every moment of my existence
the lack of control I have when it comes to wanting you
and the hopelessness I feel when it comes to loving you

i envision what is in the forest
that we pass by on our way to the end
is our cabin there waiting
the candle wax dripping on an uneaten dinner for two
is our garden waiting
neglected
and overrun with weeds
rotten and crawling of hungry critters
is our rock there
bare
cold
and lonely
are the tree trunks longing for our pressure against them
nevertheless we missed it all
our minds
our nature
kept driving us farther away

I understand now why the forest is such a reprieve for me
it's my last hope
if only one of the few men that have had the honor of driving me off that cliff
would have just stopped the car
with squeals of urgency
leaving tire marks in the road
we could have abandoned the material possessions of this life
abandon society
culture
expectation
disappointment
We would run as fast as we could toward truth
getting lost in the pines of beauty
and wading through the river of love
that cliff would be nowhere in site
i am consumed by the feel of
each branch
each needle
each river rock
hitting my body
leaving tiny scars of our journey to freedom

miles away from that road
under the stars
laying in your embrace
I am safe
if I was the facilitator of my own dreams
that's how it would end every time
but first
I have to figure out my
escape
from the smell of old leather and gasoline
I have to free my mind
with the fragrance of firs and moonlight
I need courage to get out of that seat
or rather
never get in
belief I can control my mind
only then I will control the car
and my fate