i knew it when she came
and your eyes
shifted.

i knew you knew back then
how i secretly had invisible flowers behind my back
that i never had the courage to give you.

yet i let you break my heart.
i let you use me --
giving you hints about the girl she was
just further reminding myself
of the girl i can never be.

and even months later

i was still carrying the dead flowers
behind my back,
the ones who died from discouragement
and low self esteem.

but i still carried them.
within me,
their pollen sticking to my hair, skin, and soul.