i wonder if think of me as i think of you

Days and nights pass-

silence.

You are in my thoughts every second of every minute

Looking at the time adding 5 hours

Imagining at that moment what you are doing, who you are with.

What are you seeing? What are you feeling?

Knowing you are not thinking of me.

Shaken i cannot be part of your world.

Wanting to be one with you

But you have always kept me separate.

Churning stomach like the sea you are balancing on and breathing in

How much i yearn to be with you

But fate laughs at my wants

And denies my needs

And i am left hollow and alone in a hostile world that feels like Death.

This was not my intent. My fears and the trauma always take hold

The fear and anxiety i feel inside take away all sense of reason

And i spiral down into the abyss of terror
r
That i am not, have not been enough.

That someone else has your attention

And once again the one thing i wanted  to call just my own

Was really not mine at all but sharing himself with another

Who did not deserve. Who had no right.

Out of touch with the only thing that anchors me in the world

i am adrift in a violent sea of Emotion and pain

While you laugh and your eyes bathe in the beauty that i love so much and want so much to be able to share with you

Cruel.

Even crueler who might be there in the place that should be mine Laughing and soaking it all up with you.

When it should be me.

But i am here. In this dead, hostile place where my days consist of just survive.

Just survive.

One foot in front of the other

towards uncertainty.

How can you be there, enjoying, playing, laughing, feeling love

When you know how much i dream of being there with you.

My stomach tightens, the tears flow down my cheeks, imagining you there doing and seeing all the things that woke me from my sleep and made me feel

Alive.

And not being able to share in that, too.

And wondering if someone else gets to take my place and feel the feelings and see the things with you that should be MINE.

Wondering who gets your attention and affection in all the silence that separate us.

i feel alone and adrift. Drifting towards the abyss once again.

Only you and your love and understanding has the power to heal me.

Of that, i am certain.

What would it take for you to extend your hand and take my vulnerable hand into yours and persevere with me through this difficulty rather than break from me throwing salt on the already stinging wound?

Would you be able to for money? Would you be able to love and hold me through my hell and stay beside me during my fears if i had something other than my heart and soul to give in return?

Because i will pay you. Since my heart and soul are not enough.

What will it take?

i need you. i need you to merge with me and help me through my fears.

i miss your face, i miss your voice. i miss what little share of you i get.

This void is like a death once again.

A black hole.

Belonging to no one, nothing.

i am nothing if I can’t belong to you.

There is nothing i want more than to be loved by you.

i feel like a frantic, immobile child who needs mommy

But mommy isn’t there

And not knowing where mommy is or when she will come back

While i cry and cry and scream for her to come

Wanting her to scoop me up in her safe, warm arms and hold me tightly and soothe my fear of being alone and uncared for and unheard.

In her arms, in her love, I once again exist!

I am heard!

I am safe!

I mean something.

That is how i feel. That is what i need. That is something i have never known in my life

My mother didn’t, couldn’t, give me what i needed to feel safe

And i need it so badly i can taste it in my tears.

i miss you.

i wish i were a part of you.

i wish you needed me like i need you.