i've been taught
that i can't trust the
people i should be able to trust most.
so i stopped trusting others.
and started closing myself off.

i wonder,
what is the ratio
of tears i've cried silently
(sobs i've suppressed into my pillow
gasping breaths that hurt my chest
hiccups, undoing the fibers of my lungs
wheezes, like those of a drowning child
all so silent.
i can't let anyone hear.)
to tears other people have seen.

what is the formula
i need to learn
to both protect myself
and keep myself from ruin?

because, surely
if i let others
see me at my most vulnerable
then i will expose my soft heart
and my fragile bones.

because, surely
if i do not let others
see the pain i carry
then eventually i will fold
under its weight.

what is the mathematical constant?
is there anything that stays the same?
is there anything that i can cling to?

i've become so afraid
of showing anyone anything
that no longer are my darkest fears secret.
now everything i am is.
everything i love is a deeply-kept secret.
even passing interests
are never spoken of
unless i am absolutely sure
they can't be used against me.

i've been taught
that the very words i speak
the thoughts i formulate;
they don't matter.
my opinions
come second to everyone else's.

i would ask you to trust me
and take this poem as something meaningful
but i've been taught
that trust will **** you
and my words are insignificant.