i'm writing a letter to my mama that i'm never gonna send.
because she'd worry, and because i can't find my stamps.
hey mama, i'll start,
i'm really ******* sad today.
my heart is broken and i don't know how to focus on school.
i fell for this boy because he was my best friend and we had *** this one time and then i was a goner.
and he hurt me so much, mama, in little ways that i ignored
because i refused to see the bad in him.
but he was bad from the beginning. he was a bad friend all along.
because a real friend wouldn't just touch you when he's drunk and pretend nothing happened when he's sober
and not just once, either.
i really loved him, i think.
i think i still do.
oh my god, mama, what am i supposed to do?
i still have to see him everywhere but even thinking about him makes my eyes water and i have a paper due tomorrow that i can't finish because somehow it reminds me of him.
this is really tough.
i kinda wish i was still little and you could cook me dinner and do my homework for me.
but now we live in different states and i won't see you until the semester is over and i just feel ******* lost.
growing up is so ******.
did you have to have me?
i made a mistake in kissing him in the first place,
but it seemed right at the time, and now i've spent an entire year of college crying over the same boy that doesn't care and never did and ******* this is awful and i can't even cry myself to sleep most nights because i have a roommate and--
but don't worry about me, ma.
i'll be home soon and we can watch tv and go for walks and spend four hours in target and maybe one night i'll tell you everything and how much it hurt even though you'll cry too because you couldn't protect me from a boy with long eyelashes and a great sense of humor.
love you! bye.
she's my best friend. so why can't i tell her when my heart is breaking? i'll lick the envelope but never send it and i think keeping this from her is the worst part of it all