Mar 2018
Why did you lie to me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you want me back?
Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you lead me on?
Why did you kiss me?
Why, why, why?
I don't know what to think.
These are just some of the questions I have.
Questions I will never get the answers to.
Because I still only feel hate when I see your face.
The thought of your name gives me anger.
And yet, I still wish I could talk to you.
To ask you all of these questions.
I just want to know why you did all those things.
I need to know why you would treat me like that.
When you knew I was so young and vulnerable.
You were the first guy I ever really fell in love with.
Just hearing your name used to bring a smile to my face.
Hearing your voice made me tingle inside.
Your kisses used to feel like heaven on my lips.
I told you about how I never wanted to have ***.
How I just wasn't into that sort of thing.
And you told me you would love me no matter what.
You even worked hard to regain my trust the second time.
Honestly, I didn't know I was in love, the first time.
We started dating, and I didn't know what I was doing.
So, when we broke up, I didn't feel much pain.
I didn't know how it felt, but I knew seeing you felt weird.
When you said you wanted to get back together, I agreed.
And as we spent our days together, I learned what love was.
I fell for you, fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you.
Then, on our first year anniversary, you broke up with me, again.
That time, I felt it, and I felt my very first broken heart.
That whole year, I was sad, and angry, but still, very sad.
That sadness wasn't good for me, because of how tired I was.
I was sick all that year, and losing you, that made me feel rotten.
That day, you were what gave me strength to go to school.
And when we broke up after school that day, it hit hard.
That whole year, I couldn't help but be sad and depressed.
Every time I saw you, my heart broke again.
I couldn't go into the cafeteria, because you were in there.
I couldn't stand to look at you, because you hurt me so bad.
At graduation, I looked at you, and you barely looked back at me.
Then, that summer, you contacted me on Facebook.
It had been so long, but you messaged me, so I messaged back.
We talked for a long time, and you told me you regretted it.
You regretted breaking up with me, and wanted me back.
I made sure you were serious, and you told me you were.
You even told me you would pinkie swear to never hurt me again.
And foolishly, I fell into your trap, for the third time.
They say third time's the charm, but not this time.
I take pinkie swears very seriously, and you broke yours.
Just a few months before our first anniversary, you texted me.
You started telling me you were scared, then said you weren't.
You admitted how you really felt, you had lied to me, again.
I tried so hard to get you to realize how much you meant to me.
I tried to get you to see how much you loved me too.
However, in the end, all those memories, they did nothing.
I made you a memory book, recapping all of our memories.
I made dozens of notes, and put them in that book.
I told you to read them, but you said, you didn't feel anything.
Those memories, those notes, they meant nothing to you.
Once again, you broke my heart, and I asked you why.
I asked you who made you think it was okay to do that.
What made it okay for you to throw the word love around?
And you said your dad, the man you didn't want to be like.
The man you hated, you did what he did, for the third time.
And now, I don't have a broken heart, I did the first night, though.
But now, all I feel is hatred, anger, and uncertainty.
I ignored you when I saw you at a winter concert at school.
Because I was still so mad at you for what you did to me.
And now, that anger hasn't gone away.
That's why I'm writing all of this on here.
You don't have this, so you will never see it.
But maybe, now I will stop seeing you in my dreams.
Maybe I'll be able to think differently when I hear your name.
Right now, all I can do, is type down all of this.
Type all of my thoughts, knowing you will never find out.
This is all I can do, because if I message you, it might happen.
I might fall into your trap again, another broken promise.
And I can't do that, I won't do that, I refuse to do that again.
I refuse to be another toy for you play with again.
I don't take the word love lightly.
When I said I loved you, I said it, because I meant it.
Whenever we kissed, I felt good, and I thought you felt the same.
Sometimes you wanted to kiss me for a long time.
Then you would hug me, then kiss me again.
You kissed me just right, and I felt so good.
As I type this, I can imagine it, but I know it will never happen.
I know what I thought we had, never existed in the first place.
Those feelings, they were one sided, and yours, they were fake.
I was real, but you were fake.
And now, I will never see you again.
And I will never forgive you, for how you played me three times.
I just hope that one day, when you meet a girl, you won't play her.
I hope you actually fall in love with her, actually care about her.
You say you cared about me, but you never did, not for a minute.
When you meet that girl, don't tell her you love her, if you don't.
Don't throw that word around like it's an every day word.
Because, between two people, it has so much more meaning.
The word describes the way you feel about your other half.
I thought you were my other half, but clearly, I was wrong.
Which is why, I hope you don't hurt the next girl who loves you.
I hope you are real, I hope you mean it when you say you love her.
Please, don't repeat the cycle you created with me.
Because, if you do, you will never have true love.
And for me, I am now scared to fall in love with someone.
Because I'm afraid they'll be lying when they say they love me.
But I hope I find the right guy, who means what he says.
When I ask him if he means it, I hope he tells me the truth.
I hope he doesn't lie to me, the way you did.
I hope he takes the word love as seriously as I do.
And unlike you, I hope he steals my heart, then keeps it.
Take care of yourself, and be better to the next girl.
That's all I can say, before I start repeating myself.
Have a nice life, and find happiness, real happiness.
Well, I'll end this, the way you ended us, "Goodbye, forever."
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you want me back?
Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you lead me on?
Why did you kiss me?
Why, why, why?
I don't know what to think.
These are just some of the questions I have.
Questions I will never get the answers to.
Because I still only feel hate when I see your face.
The thought of your name gives me anger.
And yet, I still wish I could talk to you.
To ask you all of these questions.
I just want to know why you did all those things.
I need to know why you would treat me like that.
When you knew I was so young and vulnerable.
You were the first guy I ever really fell in love with.
Just hearing your name used to bring a smile to my face.
Hearing your voice made me tingle inside.
Your kisses used to feel like heaven on my lips.
I told you about how I never wanted to have ***.
How I just wasn't into that sort of thing.
And you told me you would love me no matter what.
You even worked hard to regain my trust the second time.
Honestly, I didn't know I was in love, the first time.
We started dating, and I didn't know what I was doing.
So, when we broke up, I didn't feel much pain.
I didn't know how it felt, but I knew seeing you felt weird.
When you said you wanted to get back together, I agreed.
And as we spent our days together, I learned what love was.
I fell for you, fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you.
Then, on our first year anniversary, you broke up with me, again.
That time, I felt it, and I felt my very first broken heart.
That whole year, I was sad, and angry, but still, very sad.
That sadness wasn't good for me, because of how tired I was.
I was sick all that year, and losing you, that made me feel rotten.
That day, you were what gave me strength to go to school.
And when we broke up after school that day, it hit hard.
That whole year, I couldn't help but be sad and depressed.
Every time I saw you, my heart broke again.
I couldn't go into the cafeteria, because you were in there.
I couldn't stand to look at you, because you hurt me so bad.
At graduation, I looked at you, and you barely looked back at me.
Then, that summer, you contacted me on Facebook.
It had been so long, but you messaged me, so I messaged back.
We talked for a long time, and you told me you regretted it.
You regretted breaking up with me, and wanted me back.
I made sure you were serious, and you told me you were.
You even told me you would pinkie swear to never hurt me again.
And foolishly, I fell into your trap, for the third time.
They say third time's the charm, but not this time.
I take pinkie swears very seriously, and you broke yours.
Just a few months before our first anniversary, you texted me.
You started telling me you were scared, then said you weren't.
You admitted how you really felt, you had lied to me, again.
I tried so hard to get you to realize how much you meant to me.
I tried to get you to see how much you loved me too.
However, in the end, all those memories, they did nothing.
I made you a memory book, recapping all of our memories.
I made dozens of notes, and put them in that book.
I told you to read them, but you said, you didn't feel anything.
Those memories, those notes, they meant nothing to you.
Once again, you broke my heart, and I asked you why.
I asked you who made you think it was okay to do that.
What made it okay for you to throw the word love around?
And you said your dad, the man you didn't want to be like.
The man you hated, you did what he did, for the third time.
And now, I don't have a broken heart, I did the first night, though.
But now, all I feel is hatred, anger, and uncertainty.
I ignored you when I saw you at a winter concert at school.
Because I was still so mad at you for what you did to me.
And now, that anger hasn't gone away.
That's why I'm writing all of this on here.
You don't have this, so you will never see it.
But maybe, now I will stop seeing you in my dreams.
Maybe I'll be able to think differently when I hear your name.
Right now, all I can do, is type down all of this.
Type all of my thoughts, knowing you will never find out.
This is all I can do, because if I message you, it might happen.
I might fall into your trap again, another broken promise.
And I can't do that, I won't do that, I refuse to do that again.
I refuse to be another toy for you play with again.
I don't take the word love lightly.
When I said I loved you, I said it, because I meant it.
Whenever we kissed, I felt good, and I thought you felt the same.
Sometimes you wanted to kiss me for a long time.
Then you would hug me, then kiss me again.
You kissed me just right, and I felt so good.
As I type this, I can imagine it, but I know it will never happen.
I know what I thought we had, never existed in the first place.
Those feelings, they were one sided, and yours, they were fake.
I was real, but you were fake.
And now, I will never see you again.
And I will never forgive you, for how you played me three times.
I just hope that one day, when you meet a girl, you won't play her.
I hope you actually fall in love with her, actually care about her.
You say you cared about me, but you never did, not for a minute.
When you meet that girl, don't tell her you love her, if you don't.
Don't throw that word around like it's an every day word.
Because, between two people, it has so much more meaning.
The word describes the way you feel about your other half.
I thought you were my other half, but clearly, I was wrong.
Which is why, I hope you don't hurt the next girl who loves you.
I hope you are real, I hope you mean it when you say you love her.
Please, don't repeat the cycle you created with me.
Because, if you do, you will never have true love.
And for me, I am now scared to fall in love with someone.
Because I'm afraid they'll be lying when they say they love me.
But I hope I find the right guy, who means what he says.
When I ask him if he means it, I hope he tells me the truth.
I hope he doesn't lie to me, the way you did.
I hope he takes the word love as seriously as I do.
And unlike you, I hope he steals my heart, then keeps it.
Take care of yourself, and be better to the next girl.
That's all I can say, before I start repeating myself.
Have a nice life, and find happiness, real happiness.
Well, I'll end this, the way you ended us, "Goodbye, forever."
"Goodbye, forever." That's how the man I loved, the man I wanted to be with, ended our relationship. It was the third time, and that final line, those towards he texted me, were the ones that made me know he was a mistake. I wasted all those days I spent with him, and I will never get them back. That stupid memory book I made him, I hope he threw it away, because he doesn't deserve it. Don't fall for the same lie three times. In fact, be done with the guy after the first time. Because once a liar, always a liar.
(Brunswick, Me)
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