Mar 2018
My emotions tend to be outrageous.
They bounce up and down.
They curve side to side.
Bipolar disorder is what it’s called.
I like to think of it as a never ending roller coaster.
I creep up to the very top.
My adrenaline peaks.
And suddenly I’m falling.
Dropping down low.
Then I’m curving,
Going through a loop.
My heart races as if it is trying to keep up with my head.
I can’t make it stop.
I can’t get off of this roller coaster.
“Here take this. It’ll help.”
And so I take it.
Because I’m getting nauseous from all this up and down and spinning.
But now I’m numb.
I can’t feel.
It’s as if the roller coaster ride is broken and needs to be repaired.
I wanted my emotions to calm down..
Not disappear all together.
I wanted to be normal.
Not a robot.
Who knew that you had to be numb to be normal?
So I flush the little round pills.
I get my ticket for the roller coaster once again.
I’m the only one on.
And it steadily makes it’s creep up before crashing back down.
And in that moment.
I feel normal.
I feel like myself.
I don’t feel like a robot.
I hate this roller coaster I’m on.
But I don’t know how to function without it.
So, I buckle up tightly and hang on.
For this wild ride I’m on.
They bounce up and down.
They curve side to side.
Bipolar disorder is what it’s called.
I like to think of it as a never ending roller coaster.
I creep up to the very top.
My adrenaline peaks.
And suddenly I’m falling.
Dropping down low.
Then I’m curving,
Going through a loop.
My heart races as if it is trying to keep up with my head.
I can’t make it stop.
I can’t get off of this roller coaster.
“Here take this. It’ll help.”
And so I take it.
Because I’m getting nauseous from all this up and down and spinning.
But now I’m numb.
I can’t feel.
It’s as if the roller coaster ride is broken and needs to be repaired.
I wanted my emotions to calm down..
Not disappear all together.
I wanted to be normal.
Not a robot.
Who knew that you had to be numb to be normal?
So I flush the little round pills.
I get my ticket for the roller coaster once again.
I’m the only one on.
And it steadily makes it’s creep up before crashing back down.
And in that moment.
I feel normal.
I feel like myself.
I don’t feel like a robot.
I hate this roller coaster I’m on.
But I don’t know how to function without it.
So, I buckle up tightly and hang on.
For this wild ride I’m on.
3-6-18
A poem about my bipolar disorder.
A lot of people say they are bipolar when they go from sad to happy to angry quickly.
But being bipolar is so much more than that. They don't go through the manic spells or the truly crippling depression. They don't get to see the spells when you are so angry that you lash out and break things and you don't care who you hurt or if you hurt yourself. No one knows how it feels to be on medications that numb out your emotions and that's scary because all you've ever felt is the extreme up and down of your emotions. I wish more people were better educated on the subject.
A poem about my bipolar disorder.
A lot of people say they are bipolar when they go from sad to happy to angry quickly.
But being bipolar is so much more than that. They don't go through the manic spells or the truly crippling depression. They don't get to see the spells when you are so angry that you lash out and break things and you don't care who you hurt or if you hurt yourself. No one knows how it feels to be on medications that numb out your emotions and that's scary because all you've ever felt is the extreme up and down of your emotions. I wish more people were better educated on the subject.
