Regrets bounce around back and forth inside my mind
like a game of pong
a purgatory
making me cockeyed
I try to explain that I have nowhere left to hide
Every emotion
sensation
obsession
amplified
Maybe when I was young I needed something you couldn't provide
Maybe my little apple slices were covered in pesticide
Speculation of course
it can't be simplified
A combination of factors that together fortified
An illness
A flaw inside of me
so vicious
My intentions in the right place but my actions turned malicious
We tried to fight back with multiple prescriptions
I popped 6 or 7 without reading the description
You'll have to excuse me and my self fulfilling prophecy
I catch myself getting bad again constantly
It's not done consciously
And then yall get gossipy
about my lack of modesty
All that **** you're spewing you should invest in a colostomy
I don't know who I am without the drama
Without the trauma
Without the late night calls crying for my mama
I try to listen but its like I'm rotten to the core
I tried to stop it all that day but they broke down the bathroom door
Asphyxiation
And another state petition
Humiliation
At my failed suicide mission
I figured I'd grin and bear it
Act recovery driven
My insurance will boot me either way in 5-7
Why are you so angry?
What is at the source?
Can you pinpoint it?
Do you think it's run its course?
Don't you ever get tired?
Of being so dramatic
Everyone has problems
Some cobwebs in their attic
Yeah I do get tired
I'm exhausted actually
Of constantly being at different extremes mentally
Polar opposites
I wish I could be competent
I would trade my mania to truly be self confident
Nature versus nurture
A classic debate
Which one is more at fault for causing those to deviate?
A long line of addiction
Or abusive tendencies
Is it genetics?
Or painful first memories?
You wonder why I go for guys that hurt me in the end
When I get down about myself it's your voice inside my head
I've done some things in my life that keep me up at night
I've been so afraid of failing that for years I never tried
From an early age I just wanted to be loved
To be held, to be kissed, to be cradled, to be hugged
Instead I got tossed around and used like a rag-doll
When someone treats me good
I'm at a loss of how to handle
Sweeter than honey and it keeps my ego fed
But I repeat bad habits and cycles instead
I've been here before and man isn't it funny
How desperate I am for you to ******* love me
It serves to ask questions and poke at insecurities
I put my all into serving others and its so ******* embarrassing
I'd do anything and perhaps it is my downfall
But I didn't anticipate such a quick and subtle curveball
It's pathetic call the medic
Sedate me
anesthetic
Put the drugs on credit
I just want to forget it
All the way
but I guess I'm here to stay
Cant even **** myself right
Jesus christ, what a cliche
It's a new day
gotta fight through the pain
It's okay
its okay
it's okay
it's okay
I got these regrets
like I said
and I'm sailing off course
I'm nothing but the walking dead
but I try to consider the source
I repeat things and stumble
all on autopilot
I'm hardwired to **** up
and I'm done trying to hide it
a moment of silence
for all that couldn't have been
a lust for violence
and an appetite for bloodshed
beg for an abrasion
and physical injury
contusions
gashes
lacerations
dulls what's happening in me
all these different methods
to avoid my introspection
******* myself up
relieves the constant tension
acting up and acting out
gets me the attention
and impulsive actions keep all around me guessin'
Now, tell me, is that what you expected?