My last words to you were “I’ll see you later”.

Not “you mean the world to me” or “I would die for you” or “I love you”. Nothing that mattered, nothing that was real.  

I wonder why we say that. “I’ll see you later”. It’s a promise. A ridiculous vague promise that we know we can’t always keep.

I want to try again. I know we can’t rewrite history. I know that no matter how loud I scream you will never hear me. But I cannot say goodbye until I have let these words out of my aching soul. So here they, far too late.

I understand why you’re leaving. I know it’s selfish, but I wish it was me instead of you. You were always stronger, more equip for this life. You always  lead me through pain, how am I supposed to face it without you?

I’d give anything for you to stay for one more moment. To make one more snarky comment. To hear your voice just one more time. We didn’t get enough minutes, but I suppose even forever with you wouldn’t have been long enough.

I love you far more than I love myself. It doesn’t always seem that way, but you have seen my heart and held it in your hands. Didn’t you notice how it beat for you, spelling out your name over and over again? Did you realize I love you unconditionally? Did you know that I would burn down the entire world for you?

I want you to know, that all those years ago when I told you I hated you for making us walk away, it wasn’t true. In fact, I knew in the deepest part of my soul that it was what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. So, when I said I hated you I actually meant that I hated me.

As these words come off of my lips I am starting to realize that I cannot do this without you. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. I’m not going to make it. I won’t survive.

But if you must, I hope you find peace where ever end up. This life took so much and made you so **** tired, I hope you can finally rest.

Before you go, I have one last thing to say:

You mean the world to me, I would die for you and I love you.