Who needs enemies when denial is your best friend?

When you find every excuse to escape the truth once again.

I was desperate for answers

How could this be?
This wasn’t us.

This wasn’t the plan.

What am I missing?

How can I fix this?

Please help me understand.

I became the master of avoidance.

My punishment, long suffering, forever chasing the wind…

We’re told patience is the key.

Head-strong is a virtue.

But then comes ‘love’ and to hell with all the rules.

Feelings whisper to our souls in tones impossible to ignore… follow me, take my hand.

Don’t let go.

If all else fails we can always try again.  

And so we did.

We tried again.

AND again.  

And AGAIN….

Are we REALLY doing this AGAIN?!

And I’ve had this conversation with myself a million times replayed.

Do I love you?

I mean I do

Wait...

See the truth is, whether I still do or don’t the only question I’ve needed to ask myself all along has been this:

Do YOU love me like I have loved you?

Because it seems that sometimes our mind’s eye feeds us these beautiful lies

like this feels like love…

when it’s anything but.

And we forget

We forget to ask the right questions

Senses irrelevant.

We run blind

Face first into the night

Idolizing these pretty pictures we’ve imagined…

our vision is clouded with what ifs and the magic of ‘possibility’.

We make our make-believe our fake reality.

Operating on feelings completely void of sight…

Like the place where I left the benefit of my doubt, hopelessly settled into the creases of your filthy hands

The rest of your dirt hidden from all the world to see

None of this was ever what it seemed.

Like a sickness this disease of “us” infiltrated every aspect of my being.

You broke away at the foundation of all that I had ever believed…

In my desperation I sought counsel

I fasted and I prayed

Searching every last corner of my heart I laid my offerings upon the alter and let my tears fall…

Petitioning the heavens to intervene.

Tears falling down the soft rounds of my face, burning and purifying my skin all at once each drop like the devil’s hand, a steady knock upon the door of my shattered heart

tempting me to look back...

I turned the dead-bolt, finally destroying your key.

And with my weary soul and this half empty cup I began to pour every last ounce of myself into healing… into all that I am and everything you hate but were so desperate to keep.

With each fragment of the shameful mess you left behind I assemble a new fortress.

Piece by beautiful piece.