Dec 2017
it seems as though i am dying right before my very eyes.
This unkempt body doesn’t know when to stop rotting,
and this ungodly frame is no longer gilt in sunlight,
nor gray underneath an empty moon,
it looks like a skeleton,
decayed and laid to rest beneath a hill of grieving people,
lost to the spell i cast from these highways of depleted veins,
from these rivers of tendons that don’t ripple anymore.
I cant breathe anymore,
my body has forgotten the air and how it swims,
because now it is just sinking and sinking and i refuse to open my mouth,
refuse to drown my lungs in fear the water will weigh me down and leave me there,
at the bottom of a forgotten seabed,
just drifting - a floating fragment.
But i suppose i am already gone,
too consumed by nothing more than my guilt of refusing to live.
This unkempt body doesn’t know when to stop rotting,
and this ungodly frame is no longer gilt in sunlight,
nor gray underneath an empty moon,
it looks like a skeleton,
decayed and laid to rest beneath a hill of grieving people,
lost to the spell i cast from these highways of depleted veins,
from these rivers of tendons that don’t ripple anymore.
I cant breathe anymore,
my body has forgotten the air and how it swims,
because now it is just sinking and sinking and i refuse to open my mouth,
refuse to drown my lungs in fear the water will weigh me down and leave me there,
at the bottom of a forgotten seabed,
just drifting - a floating fragment.
But i suppose i am already gone,
too consumed by nothing more than my guilt of refusing to live.
i am sorry for these scattered words, that dont make sense to anyone but myself. Recently my health has fallen, reborn into dust. I may have cancer, In a week I have an appointment to get screened. This type of cancer has clung to past family members like mold, this type of cancer I may have, is terminal. I have feared death before, but this fear has manifested into terror. There is still so much this 19 year old body has not discovered. I have not kissed a boy since grade 6, I have not traveled or explored, I have not given enough, I have never known the feeling of true, true love, the one that grips your every bone, bruising you, making you tremble. I am so full of fear, how do I stop this shaking?
