i think i knew it before
but i didn't know it until now,
sun drifting through the window and the cold city smiling in:
heartbreak is not exclusive to romantic love.
and this is sad because it means the number of times my heart has been broken is even higher than i thought.
if you love someone, no matter how you love them,
they can (and most likely will) break your heart.
sometimes it's just a little splintering,
a pinch under your ribcage and a quickening in your blood.
and sometimes it is mind-altering pain down to the pit of your stomach.
lucas was the best thing that ever happened to me
and he was the worst.
he made me a better person,
but he destroyed my heart in the process.
a bull in a china shop.
i loved him so fiercely, the maternal instincts i didn't think i'd know for years coming out and devouring him
i would've (should've) protected him to my very last breath,
but i didn't and one gunshot on an early afternoon roof
shattered my sense of myself and decimated my heart.
i ache at the thought of him
dull throbbing in my lungs and toes.
i know this is heartbreak because the wound is still brand new and it has been twenty six months to the day.
maybe this anniversary is why i came to my eureka moment,
in this pale morning light, nose cold above blankets.
lucas, my constant train of thought,
you broke me.
but i have loved every minute of it because it was a minute spent loving you.