why am i not surprised when boys cancel
their eyes averted their lips sewn tight
into a frown
“sorry” they say then deliver some *******
excuse

and i breathe it in

without any other thought except that
somehow
i brought this onto myself
the way that some people believe they cause
hurricanes or volcanic eruptions
i believe that i cause cancellations
either with my personality or with my luck
(although i’m not sure which is worse:
being broken or ******)

all i know is that it kills me
that i don’t put on makeup before
dates anymore because i won’t
waste mascara on tears won’t waste
lipstick on the edges of a shot glass
after i’m forgotten

it kills me that i don’t get butterflies
when i kiss people because if i got
butterflies anymore thousands of
species would have suffocated
inside me