I am always missing out.
They locked me inside of my own house
And keep bragging about what the leaves look like on the trees.
There is so much happening
And I have far too many keys to sort
Before I can unlock the door.
I cut all the papers with your name on them into a pile and jumped in,
Fell into a dream where the sun is orange but burns so hot it looks white.

I'm a firm believer in music but haven't listened to it in years.
When the birds sing
It sounds like pebbles against the windows.

I put you in the ground the day I told someone your name.
Let it drip from my lips like a flood,
Like a dam bursting,
Filled to the brim with grief.
They say I talk about you like your waiting for me on the porch,
Like it's just a door that's keeping us apart.

They'll never understand how it can still feel like that.
How speaking your name was the closest I'll come to a eulogy,
How my heart still races when someone knocks.

They think I'm crazy
Because I keep yelling about the bars on the windows,
How you keep throwing pebbles
to me.
My mother opens the blinds
But the sun won't shine through,
Throws open the glass
But the wind jams in the screen.
My soul still feels like a room you can't air out,
Mourning is a dark room you can't light up.