Take me to your ******* @cisgenderwhitemale in salmon shorts sport polo boat shoes and expensive cologne—
I, emissary of the InterPlanetary Order of Eugenically-Minded Denizens (IPOEMD), have come to rid the world of this contagion—
who for too long has beguiled us with their wicked fashion sense and appalling profile pictures
appearing on friends’ dad’s yachts smiling behind a pair of Ray-Bans with a glass of champagne drunk underage.
Your valedictorian address bored me, your sexist racist homophobic xenophobic (etc. etc.) inside jokes to your friends on the lacrosse team sickened me—
I’ve had to listen to you brag about your ***** size since puberty and your discovery of Spike TV—
I watch you mock Black English in tweets and hashtags from locker rooms where the talk can range from racial slurs to ****-shaming spurs
(talk never to **** upon its potential revelation in a political campaign)—
I film your weddings where you dance all night in your Aryan enclave to top 40 songs screaming “This is my jam!!!”
I scroll through your #familyvaca2k17 posts, the immaculate hotels and poolside views concealing the succeeding flophouses crumbling adobes and dog-ridden streets of dirt and infinite trash—
I see you engrave in bold ALL LIVES MATTER BLUE LIVES MATTER AMERICAN LIVES MATTER on every writable surface—
and as a meninist, lament about the harrowing trials as a victim of reverse racism.
[The white man’s burden is to carry the weight of their inability to be anything other than incorrigible.]
I have come to rid the world of you once and for all:
Taking the Gideon’s bible from every hotel and replacing it with feminist literature,
burning down every Banana Republic and coinciding shopping mall,
cutting the brakes to every Mercedes, Lexus, and BMW with a “Salt Life” sticker on the back window—
You wear your ethnocentrism like the sleeves of the cardigan wrapped around your neck swaying in the air conditioned wind like a little cape—
[Behold, Cis-Man!
Whose superpowers include:
Getting away with **** and perpetuating **** culture,
Minimal jail sentences (if at all),
Guaranteed college entry,
Speeding ticket immunity,
and impeccable draft dodgings.]—
I solemnly swear, I make a pledge to never procreate if it will perpetuate this vile sect of humankind—
I take a vow of celibacy, I spill my ***** into the dirt— not one egg will be fertilized, not one will be conceived
to the soundtrack of Coldplay, or Kid Rock, or whatever hair metal ballad conceived you in the first place—
You are a logical phallicy.
You want to talk about eugenics, you want to stop breeding all the “retards spittin’ on your kids” at the amusement park—
Pledge chastity with me: Interbreed, undilute the strain—
and together, we can end the White Man’s True Burden: Existence.
(p.s. And it is with great irony that I write this as one of you— the Judas to your Megachurch TV Caucasian Christ—
I write it because if it were by one of whom you’ve held under your [jackboots to boat shoes] since time immemorial— they’d never stand to read it—
for even mutiny among these ranks has its own privileges.)