“i’ll be back to normal soon,”
is what i tell you
during one of my “episodes”
and
you smile.

you smile
and you say
“that’s good,
i’m glad.”

i pretend not to feel hurt.

i know
you don’t know
when i say
“back to normal”
what i mean is
i will reel in my emotions
once again,
and i will shove them
in the bottle
that’s been overflowing
for years.

when i say
“back to normal”
it means that
i will pretend
to be what you have
imagined me to be.

so i will smile
my fake smile,
and laugh
my fake laugh,
if only
to make
you
feel better.

and while you
are done “worrying”,
i will hide myself
and tear myself apart again
only this time
without you knowing.