4/25/2016

there has been a kind of love that has been untouchable and unspoken. a love that's sent my heart reeling to depths of me that reveal my messiness for what it is. for me to hide it would be foolish, for me to think you do not know would be foolish too.
i weaved through the heartache of being a careless muse for so long - but do i have to?
because allowing myself to be just that, {if only just that, and nothing else} allowed me to be in a place full of people that are so happy to see your words thrive and given new life
{dancing surrounded by the people who love you - your best friends, your brother, and a stranger who let me be at eye level with you above the rest for just a moment}
I believe there will be a day where there is not a single bit of darkness and uneasiness attached to your words and i won't leave a show with tears in my eyes and my head held high.
that's the kind of place i want to be someday.

so here is my january confession. the words i've maintained in fear
i love you for who you are behind the curtains in your freezing room with a blanket and a couple cigarettes, not solely who you are on a stage
i love your kindness, your willingness, your determination to not settle for the "backup plan" or mediocrity, and your hands that i've only been familiarized with a couple times
i love you in the "maybes", the maybe of still waiting for your trust and forgiveness, the maybe of should i stay or run away from this, the maybe of you finding a new muse, the maybe of you showing up at my doorstep to embrace a weeping, unlovable me who couldn't go home without you, the maybe that this is the end and in my stubbornness i refuse to let it be just that {and maybe i have to}
i love you even in your decision to be as far away from me as your feet can take you, even if that distance is only three right turns away
and for nearly two years of my life - through all the mistakes and let downs and "can't forgive you's" and reciting of new lies of old guys - i have had the unsettling feeling that i will always feel this way
and as you too were once the boy thinking of me from that dc window, know that there is a girl who is unwavering to the promise that i will always be yours if ever you want me to be
even if it's a harsh long line of waiting and not measuring up
even if it means giving up music for a little while and lying low in the little spotlight of this town, i'd risk it
and i know you have two hundred good reasons to run but i am still finding a thousand reasons to not just leave it
you are not special to me because of how you cared then, but how you have treated me with so much respect and kindness in the aftermath
and that is invaluable to me for someone who has felt as defeated as I have for so long
and i'm okay with you not believing or not responding and crumpling this up like this is just a new effort to haunt you because of how worn down my apologies have been
and words can be so, so empty (how many letters have you collected now?)
and this probably looks like the equivalent of a cliché from an 80's movie with a boombox
but i'd love you well and relentlessly and bravely {all the ways that i didn't before} in the hope you can forgive my shortcomings and trust that (if anything)
because the constant professing of "I love you's" are not in the romantic (though I do like you very, very, very much and i think maybe you care a little too) i love you as a person
and one year later that will not be changed