I can't imagine what it is like to feel relaxation in the shower. For me
the shower is nothing more than a literal rushing of hot bullets stinging
my body but leaving me alive. The cold tiles offer no relief from the water rushing into my mouth, my nostrils. I can't tell if it's 60% shower 40% tears or the other way around.

I can't imagine finding the feeling of soap cleansing. No matter
how hard I scrub I still feel as *****. I feel as though I committed a horrible crime. I'm no longer clean, I'm doomed to this fate of dirtiness, griminess.

I can't imagine the sound of the water rushing downs, gallon after gallon, being anything other than horrifying. It's traumatizing, really. The water mixed with my shaky breaths, my gasping cries, my silenced screams. When my knees hit the floor the water keeps screaming. I want silence. This water is deafening in an awful way.

I can't remember what it felt like to feel better after a shower.