I was awoken far to early it was dam near seven o clock in the evening .
The noise was insane then I finally turned off the music .
Boozer my four legged amigo truly needed to lay off the death metal
besides who wants to wake up to the spice girls really?
It was then I herd the crash as bottles flew from the wall.
Dammit did a big girl fart?
I looked outside trees were falling the wind was blowing worse
than some teen age girls backstage at a Justin Bieber concert .
Shit my asshole neighbor went flying by and was impaled on a tree hey this fucked up weather wasn't all that bad .
I went outside to see if I could help or finish him off and see if he had any money on him.
Duh like I'm going to help that prick.
He? wakes me up every morning going to his silly job and calls me a drunken pervert cause I hit on his girlfriend look telling someone they have awesome tits is a compliment okay.
Hey Chris how are ya bud .?
Well being I'm impaled on your tree and have a garden gnome up my ass pretty fucking bad you idiot!
Well somebody's in a grouchy mood and Chris you can keep the gnome amigo hey whatever kind of kinky shite your into is okay I'm mean sure your a fucking freak and I will probably tell all the world about you
But hey that's cause I'm a drunken perverted arsehole .
But enough about my good quality's.
What the hell are you doing here you idiot!
Don't you know there's a mandatory evacuation going on cause of the hurricane?
I was confused by what this strange prick impaled on my tree was saying.
That and I didn't know what mandatory meant maybe it was some strange sexual term fucking weirdo .
Look man I don't swing that way okay that was just something I did for money once okay don't judge me.
What the fuck are talking about you crazy bastard !
Honestly Chris sometimes I don't even know fuck man its real windy out today .
That's cause there's a hurricane coming you idiot .
Oh well that would explain the wind You know Chris your a real prick but besides that you really are observant .
Well nice talking to you amigo I got to have a couple cocktails
watch some dirty movies I like to think of it as part of my creative
process have fun hanging around.
I was walking away as my annoying arsehole neighbor called out .
Aren't you forgetting something you crazy bastard.!?
Dammit I really was slipping I thought to myself as I pulled out my trusty knife .
What the hell Man!
Look Chris I got to kill you or you'll turn its only right duh
haven't you seen the walking dead dumbass ?
Hey by the way being your going to be dead and all can I have your girlfriend ?
What the hell is wrong with you I'm not a zombie you idiot
I'm alive I'm just impaled on your fucking tree .
Yeah that's what they all say then next thing you know you have turned
and we got you and all your zombie buddies trying to bite my ass .
Please .
Was the last thing my asshole neighbor said well that and ouch as I plunged the knife into his skull I really felt bad he was not such a a bad kid.
I'm kidding he was a dick and now that the end of the world was coming you had to look out for yourself .
But enough with the foreplay children.
Me and my loyal talking dog slash whatever the fuck he was were about to light up a joint and pour are first round when everything went black.
Much like radio these days.
It was then it hit me what Chris had said.
The wind him flying through air holy shit boozer a hurricane is
coming.
I screamed a manly scream and did what any strong male writer would do cried and hid under the bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels and my talking dog Boozer .
Fuck man why didn't I ever watch the news ?
Cause your always watching porn dumbass .
Boozer spoke .
Why the hell didn't you tell me this was happening if you knew boozer?
Cause I have to watch what you watch asshole I don't have any hands .
Now stop being a bitch and lets get out of here .
What !
Have you lost your mind there's a storm out there .
Yeah and half the people have left this place and wont be back for awhile its party time you scared bitch.
I thought to myself its hell being talked down to by someone who eats crap out in the front yard but he had a point .
This hurricane was terrible people had to abandon there homes .
And all there awesome stuff and it was simply going to go to waste duh
why not break in and enjoy it for them It's what Jesus would do.
I don't mean that guy in the book I mean that dude who works down at the garage and drives a low rider .
Course he was a ex con once meant he really knew a lot about life
and how to hide things up his butt true wisdom .
Me and boozer were off we drove around till we found the most awesome house that just happened to be sheriffs house .
It was totally kick ass we drank kick ass top shelf whiskey smoked some good weed and other drugs that prick had taken from me over the years .
Not that I do drugs I'm kidding I'm fucked up now how do you think I come up with this shit.
We went through house after house eat real food something actual writers can seldom afford duh like this shit pays.
The storm raged through the night .
Trees fell but being I was higher than Jesus I could truly give a fuck hamsters.
It seemed like days bled into weeks we drank and lived as kings .
Played fun games like indoor target practice .
I was bout ready to call it a night and curl up with my favorite girl
Evan Williams .
When all the sudden some strange man was yelling at me in my own house .
What the fuck are you doing here and why did your dog crap in my bathtub.
Excuse me Larry this is a simple misunderstanding Cindy may I say you have a marvelous rack I said to the woman standing at his side .
How the hell do you know are names ?
Duh cause of those awesome home movies you made on that video camera that was still charged up after you left.
The woman's face flushed red.
Oh my God Larry I told you we shouldn't have filmed that!
Hey I have to say miss the way you handled that three way with the two dwarfs well it is truly fucking awesome man you two people are freaks .
My new buddy Larry must be so happy cause he couldn't even speak he just shook with happiness .
His wife didn't even look at me well I have that effect on women .
Hey I was thinking you know I love the arts myself I'm thinking Cindy me some drinks that kick ass hot tub not the other one boozer took a crap in sorry bout that he just lacks culture unlike myself .
It was then Larry flipped out using his outdoor voice indoors he grabbed me by the throat I screamed rape cause I yet again forgot my trusty rape whistle dam you hurricane!
I was thrown down the stairs I was beaten I swear you housesit without asking go through peoples home dirty movies and your dog takes a crap in there tub and they blow it all out of proportion .
Guess I wasn't going to be getting a tip ungrateful bastards !
The Hurricane had torn up this small island were I lived and apparently vandals had broken into peoples houses and stolen most all the booze in there houses how terrible.
I made my way back to my trusty bar poured me a drink and sat on my favorite stool.
Shit Gonz you made it out of there I was truly worried for you.
Boozer said as he turned on the blender .
Yeah he couldn't change the channel but he could talk and mix drinks something just wasn't right with that picture course he was from Kentucky .
Yeah no thanks to you .
You little bastard !
Hey boss don't be mad I got something for you as he placed the the video camera on the table.
I had to lighten up the power was back on we had stayed drunk through such harsh times and got some freaky home movies from those weirdos we house sat for.
I took a sip of the margarita toasted my little friend.
Well bud we made it after all.
We spent the night as all others before drinking are livers silly
cutting bad jokes telling fucked up stories like these that make you wonder when the fuck they will ever end .
Until next time hamsters .
Stay Crazy
Gonzo