Someday it'll be ten years
Without a whole heart, without a best friend, without you
Time moves slowly and quickly all at once
I've missed you for ten months and sometimes it feels like ten minutes, the hurt is open and raw and deafening
Sometimes it feels like ten centuries, a prolonged breaking of my spirit
I'm selfish for missing you and I'm greedy for wanting you back
But I wasn't ready to say goodbye and sweet jesus I wish I had loved you when I had the chance
Before I hugged your mother and told her I was sorry for her loss
Before I stared at your ashes in a jar in front of an altar
Before I spent everyday since wishing you were still here
Too dry for tears
My heart swelled with rivers of missing you and now I have nothing left to mourn
How is it that I can write ****** poetry but I can't look your brother in the eye?
Come home is too selfish, too greedy
You packed your bags and left for the longest ******* road trip ever and of course I miss you, with every hair on my head and every freckle on my arms
But I know you needed closure
And for you, that came in a shot on a roof
I want more time with you
And I want to rush recklessly toward you in whatever heaven exists
My sins hold me back,
Save my seat below, my wish to stay alive (to live the life you couldn't and to keep my mother happy and to comfort your father and to smile for us both) holds me back
I miss you, miss you
And I can't wait for the day that I rise, a balloon without a hand tethering it to earth, until I hit the sun
Until I hit you, bright and burning