May 2016
The day I realised I loved you was the day I learned I could time travel. When I was with you I travelled into the future and saw me and you together sitting by a cafe basking in the reminiscent breeze that told us the story of how we fell in deep and how you would stay in the bottom of my heart forever because the weight of everything- I just kept pushing on to you when at 3am I would call you up to tell you about how I wouldn't want to die alone or how I felt like the world was too much for a small girl like me, would just sink you down. But you took my baggage anyway and unzipped it and made space in me to trust again. I went back to the past and became a baby again, needing to be protected. By no one else but the only one who knew how to open my eyes to loving again and the one that taught me the ABCs and put U and I together and some things become a habit so maybe that's why I can't,
I can't.
Let you go.
1 + 1 equals 2 and the planets crashed down when you did not want to be a part of that equation anymore. I felt the tectonic plates slipping and as hard as I tried I could not make things move in my direction, because without you I still felt like a small girl.
I had never wanted to feel the floor underneath my apparently grounded and stone cold body disappear and I never wanted to fall for you but I just couldn't resist when my legs turned to liquid and I drowned in all my desire to be something to you.
I learned that I couldn't help these things as much as you helped me to grow my own garden of worth and reasons for still being here but maybe like me, my garden needed you to be around for it to be okay to breathe again.
I travel to the present, it is cold and dreary and lonely and it is nothing like the movies. I do not think I will find love within the arms of another again and I do not think I will find someone who can make me believe that happiness is not a feeling but a state of mind but I know you tried.
I know you are trying.
But this is my state of mine
And maybe, in an alternate universe, the future that had always given me chills and butterflies, would be the course God has given to me.
Us.
I can't.
Let you go.
1 + 1 equals 2 and the planets crashed down when you did not want to be a part of that equation anymore. I felt the tectonic plates slipping and as hard as I tried I could not make things move in my direction, because without you I still felt like a small girl.
I had never wanted to feel the floor underneath my apparently grounded and stone cold body disappear and I never wanted to fall for you but I just couldn't resist when my legs turned to liquid and I drowned in all my desire to be something to you.
I learned that I couldn't help these things as much as you helped me to grow my own garden of worth and reasons for still being here but maybe like me, my garden needed you to be around for it to be okay to breathe again.
I travel to the present, it is cold and dreary and lonely and it is nothing like the movies. I do not think I will find love within the arms of another again and I do not think I will find someone who can make me believe that happiness is not a feeling but a state of mind but I know you tried.
I know you are trying.
But this is my state of mine
And maybe, in an alternate universe, the future that had always given me chills and butterflies, would be the course God has given to me.
Us.
