for the longest time, i regretted not having a future with you. in my head were images of a small apartment on the 5th floor in new york city with beige interior and cups of half-finished coffee on the kitchen table: interrupted because our lips were busy doing something else, somewhere else. i created stories of early morning i love yous and wake up in the middle of the night i need yous. slowly intertwined within each of my regret-driven what-ifs was the idea of you being good, being loving, being kind and generous. brave and protective. idealistic and creative and ready to take on the world with me. i dreamed you so deep that i created a whole other you: one that i'm realizing now, never existed.
the delusion set in and i found myself loving a man that never was. i was so caught up with longing for you that i forgot who you really were. i wonder now, how could i forget? all the nights you'd keep me waiting and all the love you poured down the drain. how could i forget the beatings that drove me insane? maybe i'm not waking with the taste of kisses but at least there are no cuts. maybe i'm not missing you too much to eat but at least i'm not puking out my guts. you told me i was worthless and impure; and here i am yearning to be called yours?

God, oh, Lord, i dodged a bullet.

i heard the other day that you found someone new. its funny because she looks like me and i can see how you keep trying to find someone to fill my shoes. i want to reach out to her and tell her to run. he preys on the young and the innocent, i want to yell at the top of my lungs. he's making you laugh now but baby girl you'll just cry. you'll think i'm crazy for saying this and even though i hope you never do, i know you'll soon understand why. me and him, we both loved the same person and now you do too. he never loved me and he'll never love you. your fair arms don't deserve the bruises and your heart doesn't deserve the pain. you don't deserve to feel utter disgust at the sound of your own name. it took me 2 years and only now i can open my eyes. his "love" was just pleasure-seeking in disguise. he's intoxicating, i know, those big brown eyes. the way he bites his lip and the strength in his thighs. i see what you see in him and i'm telling you to run. i'm telling you, i'm saving you, it's something i wish for me someone had done. but i suffered and i broke and i felt each inch of the pain. i can't let anyone go through that again.

but i watch from a distance and i don't speak a word. i'm too afraid what you'd do to me if you heard. i need to grow past the fear and the hurt. but with the delusion inside me, i'm not sure how that will work. i suppose step by step, you get up and move on. but for now, i still feel my stomach twist when i hear our song. i've thrown out your things and i've opened my eyes. i know you were bad to me, i finally realize. it may take some time to go back to who i was, but at least, for now, i'm not disillusioned by your definition of love.