so i've been thinking a lot about death and what happens when we die, not in the sense of what happens to us because i'm pretty convinced my own thesis is what happens just like religious people are convinced of an afterlife (i guess we're both the same that way - we both think we're right) but in the sense of what happens to those around us. what'd happen at my funeral, who would be there, who i'd expect to be there but who wouldn't be, if the people who claim to truly care would follow through with that notion when i was gone and i don't know i'm just finding it difficult to trust.

i want to better myself as a person, i want to be good and do good and be honest and pure but i don't think living a life like that is living truthfully. you gotta do bad and be bad at some point to realise what good is and how to be good and you have to tell a lie in order to understand the beauty of honesty.

i have so many demons in my closet that i'm sure would probably be more than happy to see me when i die.

i'm not planning on dying any time soon but i can't seem to stop thinking about what will happen when i do and if i'll have lived a life i'm proud of, if i'll have been successful in my own mind in everything i wanted to achieve.

if you think about it on a grand scheme, we are born as nothing. we are no one when we are born and who we grow up to become is shaped by family, friends, environment and surroundings and personal growth. we haven't come to realise the structure of society, we haven't yet come to realise that we're little more than a piece of paper and a tax code and when we die we become two pieces of paper - one to say we were born and the other to reconcile our death. but see, no one ever knows what happens during that period between life and death. even babies have things happen to them, some have their first taste of food, their first smile.

one day all of it is gonna be gone and so i wonder what it truly is that we're all living for and as a species so advanced and so knowledgeable, why are we so stupid? it's simple. peace is simple. yet it's the very things that are infused into us when we're born that we grow up with that shape who we become and i wonder who i may have been or how i may have turned out differently with a different upbringing in a different location with a different atmosphere and environment. we're nothing when we're born and we grow up to shape our own future and that's scary. we never, ever stop learning throughout our entire lives and yet we are expected to create a future for ourselves without ever being fully, completely educated.

i just know that when i die, i don't want hundreds of people to feel my death. i would rather be wholeheartedly remembered by few than briefly remembered by many. all i know is i want to live a wholesome life and this is something i keep coming back to. i may not know all there is to know but i want to use what i do know and put it to good use. i might have been a different person had circumstances been different but i am who i am and if i'm not proud of that fact, who else is gonna be?

i'm just so sick and tired of this whole system making human beings put themselves down and always making them feel inadequate so much so that even those who are supposed to care begin doing it to each other. i guess i'm a dreamer and a massive one at that, because i dream of a time where the human race as a whole lives collectively, in harmony and tranquil peace and everyone's death makes an impact no matter who they are - homeless, black, african, gay, caucasian, transgender, muslim, christian, jew, atheist. i don't know.

i would love to be a spectator at my own funeral and come back in a hundred thousand years to see how the world develops and i find it a bit melancholy that i won't be so maybe i'll add it to my list of books to write and keep going.