I used to think it was as simple as
Falling into the shadows
But my existence
Has been every shade of grey imaginable
Blue-grey, light-smokey-grey, dark-almost-black-grey
It's never plainly
Black or white
Happy or scared
It is a constantly changing vortex
I thought I was finally breaking free of the colours - feelings - thoughts
Restraining me
I know I've gotten stronger
But why did I crumble so easily?
Just when I thought I was safe
Panic reared it's ugly head again
This time I felt powerless
My heart raced irregularly
As it placed it's hand around my neck
Strangled the air from my lungs
Until I fell backwards into a dream
Into respite for ten seconds, into darkness
My body doing it's best
To save me from my head
Every colour seemed faded
Strangers watched
As I struggled to catch my breath
They were kind, concerned, helpful
I am grateful
But I'm also ashamed
I couldn't control it better
That I couldn't stay pure white without it being filtered, mixed into black
I did my best to hold it together on the way home
But eventually the delicious meal came back up
The fog cleared a little but
I was still a shivering mess
My family and my love
Brought safety and comfort again
But now the morning after
I can't help but feel afraid
My biggest fear came to pass yet again
I'm still here, I'm still here
I want to pretend I'm fine
To get up, go out
Without a care
But the colours are all shaken up
I don't know what to do
I don't know if I've the strength to keep going on, muddled and grey
When all I want is to be
Iridescent.