daydream about living without the stress of mine "if only, life had given me better cards to play"
now, I'm just envious of others minds
it's not the cards I was dealt that are the problem-
it's the constant overlooking of plays I could have made continuous mistakes my own personal issues preventing me from turning out on top
used to think (still kind of do) that everyone who was "happy" were just deceiving themselves
lying telling theirself that they were happy so much so that they believed it- using distractions to keep their misery at bay
now I realize that thought was quite a bit of self-projection
how nice it would be to have passion again emotion my outgoing nature
I've been dealing with her for years which leaves me to wonder- has my personality just been a fabrication a mask that I've worn to hide depressions ugly visage? have I worn it so frequently that I started to recognize it as my own reflection?
I don't know who I am anymore though, it's not like I ever have
I don't know what life is anymore I've definitely never known what that's been all about
for the past six months, (year?....) (two years?...) (my entire life?...) I've only had two states of emotion- dark blue or gray
dark blue is when I am inconsolable with tears absolute misery my soul shattered into a million pieces
dark blue is when I have panic attacks over how horrible of a person I am lying on my bathroom floor choking on my own tears choking on my own breath
gray is nothingness something horrible could happen to me a job loss, a heartbreak, a loss of a friend and I will experience no emotion
like an empty void throw whatever the **** you want in there I promise you there will not be any reaction
gray with random and sudden bursts of blue
not the most excruciating pain just the constant dull throbbing of the grayish blue bruise that you're always trying to cover up