Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.