oh honey,
i'm having trouble breathing
as the tears mix up with sweat
and the ragged breaths won't rest
i'm still trapped in this purgatory
between forgiveness and regret
or maybe
just disgust and resentment

when will this waiting
ever end?

it all started with
a night of poetry and music
between artists and lovers,
making music and art
like they do when making love
speaking in tongues and lust
even angst from their lungs

but i was with him
all through the night
when i knew
all i wanted was
to be with you

oh if you only knew
this silence leaves me blue
between lingering breaths
and cigarette smoke
i still yearn to be with you

so maybe it was the
excessive alcohol or ******* poetry
or maybe the live music
blended together in loneliness
and yearning
or is it the blank statement
against the white wall?

but this confusing as ****

my thoughts were swimming
in beer, nothing more
and at the very back of it
was you sleeping
but subconscious tried to
wake you up
poke you with what ifs
and what nots

i pulled out my phone
and let my loneliness overcome
didn't know it was wrong
like dominoes they all fall
one by one
realization built a spark
as my conscious came apart

tore my heart out the next day
i used the aftermath's blood
to write you an apology
filled with regret and dismay
29 hours after
i used my crafted letters
to sincerly construct
a sorry

but you said to wait,
until the demons go
until you find yourself
at peace whenever
you look at me

and i did. i did wait.
amidst the confusion and regret,
i'm still waiting for you
to rip my walls down
and envelop me in
your arms

but purgatory's version
of a painful torture is
in the mind games,
after all
setting up fires
that can burn you alive

keep in mind
what my mother used
to say about flames,

"don't set yourself
on fire
to keep the others
warm."