Lungs filled with blue smoke, eyes filled with tears, hands trembling, soul filled with fear and worry, if you can see me now, I am sorry for disappointing you, but there is no one to guide me through the right path anymore, and you were wrong, I am not smart enough to walk alone. I am sorry for getting used to all the infinite love, I don't even know what that means anymore, I am ruining myself with my bare hands and you're not here to stop me, please come back and stop me, guide me, teach me more, advise me, love me, talk to me just come back and talk to me, I'll listen, I swear to God I will, I just need to hear your calming voice as a reminder, visit me in my dreams, I started believing in signs now so please give me s ******* sign God ******. I'm sorry, I'm just filled with anger all the time for some reason. I've been looking for you in people, I think the whole family is, your brother is putting so much effort into it it's driving him crazy, your mother misses you and we're all trying to be there for her, she's a mess, mom is being strong about this and I have no idea how she's doing it, your daughters, us we're all ****** up. I think we need you more than ever, send us signs so we'd stop recking ourselves. We miss you and your memory is haunting us. Remember when I told you about how hope can ruin a man? how it's so dangerous and you wouldn't believe me and you thought I was being childish about it like everything else? well look at me now, I'm going crazy hoping endlessly, I hope we'll get to see you in another life, I hope I'll have the chance to make it up to you, I hope I'll get to tell you I love you and hug you all the time and make you a nice cup of tea while sharing all the things you've missed, I hope you'd be smiling and not filled with disappointment, I hope we'll get to talk more about our music, I'm listening to The Beatles while writing this, yes I'm still your Beatles Girl, and I hope to share my poetry with you like you hoped but I never did. I would now, I'll read you each and every one of them, I'll keep no more secrets, I'll carry your love around like a mother carrying her first child for the first time and brag about it and how beautiful it is, I just ******* miss you. You visited me in my dreams, I started crying in the dream and mumbling: "You are my happiest thought and my saddest thought, all at once" over and over again. I've met a lot of people, I know you wouldn't like most of them but there's one person that I'd **** for you to meet, I'm drowning in this person, it's consuming me in every way possible, give me limits. I hope I'll get to tell you all about it. In another life. In another life. In another life. God help me, God may you rest in peace. God, I miss you. I'm sorry for swearing, you used to swear a lot, if you thought no one was listening when you I did, I always did. Okay, I know that doesn't give me the right but I'm taking advantage of you not being around as well, I'm sorry about that too.
Goodbye? I don't believe so. Not just yet.